Wanna come over? I have pizza and toilet paper
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I don’t think I’m necessarily driving my husband crazy as much as I’ve already reached my destination.
I just spilled my last beer while reaching over to hit “ignore caller” on my phone. Why do bad things happen to good people?
A client on the phone accidentally said they love me before they hung up
Not gonna lie it felt good
Another couple invited my husband and me to do a triathlon and it’s way worse than we thought. Apparently “doing a triathlon together” is code for “doing a triathlon together.”
As I was getting into bed she said: You’re drunk.
I said, how do you know?
She said, You live next door.
“It’s not debauchery it’s Digiorno!”
Me drunk about to eat a frozen pizza
i could never be president. im overqualified.
Went to a parade.
For an hour, bored people on floats waved.
For an hour, My 2-year-old waved back.
It was the greatest day of her life.
Me: okay, hit me
Blackjack dealer: *deals me a card*
Me: LIKE YOU MEAN IT
Can’t even watch a YouTube video these days without someone in an ad reminding you you’re poor
*Clicks video* next thing “HI THERE, HAHA, I MADE $200,000 LAST QUARTER, WHAT DID YOU MAKE?”
Bad decisions, now get out my guy, make I watch 10 types of Jollof in peace
[walks into living room and sees a stranger is sitting on the couch]
Me: WHO ARE YOU AND WHAT DO YOU WANT?!
14 yo son: I came downstairs to see if dinner is ready.
Guinea pigs aren’t real pets. You buy them when your kids are begging for a dog, but you want to make them sad instead.
British people: Unicycle
American people: Collegecycle
As a mom of 18 & 20 year olds: save while your kids are young, then at graduation, buy yourself a new car & send them to community college.
When your messy bun is really a sloppy bun so your hair keeps tickling your ear and you keep slapping yourself upside the head because it might be a bug even though deep down you know it’s your stupid hair. That’s what today has been like.
Me: No guts, no glory.
Skeleton: Wow, I’m like right here.
Kid: Mom! We’re out of snacks!
Me: Sucks for you…
Kid: What?
Me: Ok I’ll get more when I run to the store sweetie!
It’s absurd how none of the chicks at this park are recognizing my swag *puts flip phone back in my fanny pack. Rollerblades away*
favorite tropes as memes
I’m sorry I’m late, but my 2yo had to say goodbye to the muffins in the grocery store.
The next person to tell me a joke about Indians & call centers is getting beaten to death with my snake charming flute.
One of my wishes in life is to run across the Pacific Ocean in an air tight giant hamster ball.
My sister bought glitter for the children, so now I’m trying to add her name to a terrorist watchlist.
Me: I’d like to get this prescription filled
Pharmacist: This is a recipe for chicken marsala
Me: What time should I pick that up?
remember if you want to send me flowers today my favorite kind are mushroom pizza
This dude got his own movie?
Some girls look like they’ve barely broken a sweat after hot yoga while I look like a tomato that’s been doused by a fire hose.
I work out with two other gays a few times a week and one of them said this morning “I’m going to a gala where we have to wear caftans á la Mrs. Roper from Threes Company” and I heard our very straight, very young trainer just mumble “I didn’t understand a word of that sentence.”
[at an interview]
Interviewer: what’s your greatest strength?
Me: I get along well with others
Interviewer: your greatest weakness?
Me: I use a lot of duct tape
Not gonna elaborate, but I just found out the hard way that the phrase isn’t “self defecating humour”