How long does Chewbacca take to shampoo his hair?
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Galadriel told Frodo only he could destroy the ring. Smokey Bear said only YOU can prevent wildfires. Frodo did his job; did you do yours?
waiter: would you like a soup or salad?
clark kent: [laughs nervously] a super salad? i’ll just have a regular salad please
waiter: alri-
clark kent: [loudly] a regular salad for a regular man
“Je t’aime” = “I love you”
“Je t’anime” = “I love anime”
The best thing about lockdown is that we’ve been able to potty train our 3 year old.
No pressure to go anywhere
Can stroll around freely with no underwear
Lots of rewards and stickersAnd the best part is all this applies to our 3 year old too
some bucket lists are like “visit Paris”, my bucket list is more “see a guy get smucked off the top of a truck by an overpass”
Daughter: You’re invading my personal space
Mom: You came out of my personal space
The Good News: My doctor says I’m healthy as a horse.
The Bad News: She used another large farm animal to describe my weight.
Me: [Alone in our kitchen making a sandwich]
My teeanager: Why are you trying to embarrass me?
I fall and drown in the lake. They pull out my body. “It’s so bloated and grotesque” says one. “He only fell in a minute ago” says another
Beer enthusiasts should have an OnlyCans.
“I don’t want to sound ungrateful, Carl, but I think I’ll get the bus to work tomorrow”
KFC Team Member: Anything else?
Me: More gravy please, I’ll say when[several hours later]
KFC TM: WE’RE GONNA DROWN
M: I didn’t say when
me: ugh I’m so fat
him: babe no, it’s all in your head
me: oh great, I don’t even know any head exercises
People stick up those “Baby on Board” signs as if their infant is somehow more precious than my 4-foot travel bong.
Fit Bit: ‘Keep going!’
Recliner: ‘Trust your feelings.’
owing to recent events I will be moving to the big duck in Long Island
Why be part of the problem when you can be all of it?
—What are we?
—Women!
—What do we want?
— We don’t know!
—When do we want it?
— Now!
COP: It’s 4/20
ME: Yes, and I’m a dealer!
COP: Then you’re under arrest
ME: I’m a dealer at the casino, lol!
COP: Oh, haha! Is it a good place to work?
ME: No idea, I just sell drugs there
Her: I like a man who’s environmentally aware
Me *pointing at the sky*: That’s a cloud
walk through life confidently like a NYer does through a red crosswalk signal
I work hard so that the possum that lives in my garage can have a better childhood than I did
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
That one time (today) I stabbed my eyeball with the stick part of my sunglasses.
I lied and told someone, “I can’t go to your party I have diarrhea.” I actually do have diarrhea but historically that hasn’t stopped me
Alexa is the ouija board I won’t allow in my own house, but will use in yours.
i unknowingly took my toddler to the museum with a shirt pocket full of scrambled eggs
Me: Hi Gammy.
Her: Do I know you?
Me: When did she get amnesia?
Sister: She doesn’t have amnesia. She owes you money.
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?