“No thanks, I’m vegan,” is apparently not funny when someone hands you a baby. 🤭
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If you mean sleeping, then yes, I’m pretty freakin’ amazing in bed.
I had a stalker once but he saw me eating soup
I’m so glad our local rats are getting to go on vacation
My husband is playing Super Mario Bros with our sons and one of them is having a MAJOR tantrum. Sadly, it’s my husband.
1800’s ship captain: This expedition will be the most dangerous undertaking and we all may well perish on the journey. We should bring a monkey with us. It will live in my room.
We need a new term for “avoid it like the plague” because apparently people don’t do that
It may only be 9:15am, but I already hit my step goal for today because my mother-in-law is here and I keep leaving every room she enters
I’d congratulate you on the birth of your first child, but I have 2 of my own so here’s a sympathy card and a case of wine.
We talk a big game for a species that has a favourite cup
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
Dads are never closer to their pioneer heritage than when they are seeking out a spot for their family at the beach.
I had a fountain drink at the mall today. All those pennies make the water taste terrible.
Wife: How was work?
Me: Funny story. I emerged from a different cubicle in the men’s room to the one I thought I’d gone into
W: I despise you
Me (answers phone): HELL-o
Mom: Hi, honey. Your Dad is trying to change the time on the VCR you bought us in 83
Me: Please leave a message
Her: “Men are creepy!”
Me, from inside of the closet:
“Yes, we are.”
Hide and seek but only they forget to look for you.
Them:
Me: damn I picked a good spot.
They say money can’t buy happiness, but could someone just give me a lot of it and let me see for myself.
ME:You wanna come in?
VAMPIRE:Oh, can’t, vampire
M:Unless I invite you
V:Oh…you know about that
M:Yeah, you can-
V:It’s just…I’m super busy…
If the interviewer doesn’t think it’s cool when you pull a quarter out of his ear, the job wasn’t good enough for you anyways.
When this pandemic is over, I’m going to French kiss every escalator handrail at the mall
I just learned that dentists can actually smell your fear.
I only wish that I weren’t learning this from the dentist who’s lurking outside my window
My friend’s girl broke up with him because she didn’t like his pet lizard.
I knew she didn’t like him from the gecko.
Complete list of all the words I know to “The Macarena”:
1- Hey
2- Macarena
Normalize calling a Stanley cup a sippy cup to piss your kid off.
I picked up one of my son’s school masks and it had a horrific red mess inside and before I could even put words to my fears he said “I dropped a meatball in it.”
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable walking back and forth from the buffet at the Golden Corral
[date]
him: I loved Captain Marvel.
me: Me too!
him: What was your favorite part?
me: *sweating* The uhhh…marveling
Me, to my cousin Chad: You might wanna sit down.