One time a guy left a full glass of sangria behind on a first date and I pretended I forgot my sunglasses so I could run back and chug it.
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When a pig loses his leg, wouldn’t it be a hamputation?
I’d rather my kid bring home head lice than another goddamn fundraising form.
My son: If you put a hotdog in a blender, does it still have the same amount of calories?
Me: NO HOT DOG SMOOTHIES
Schrödinger: How’s my cat, Doc?
Vet: I have good news and bad news..
Squirrels before girls.
We avoided this particular disaster
Am I supposed to present a monologue play while I use this toilet? Wtf is it on a stage for.
Someone please tell me this is for something other than a baby conference/infant symposium
The best thing about a rabbit is it doesn’t matter how bad a lay you are, everyone compares good sex to you.
[team tryouts]
Coach: You really knocked that one out of the park.
Jimmy: Thanks Coach!
Coach: This is tennis.
me: can I get one for the lady at the end of the bar
balloon animal guy: ok
I’d rather babysit for five toddlers than one parrot.
[Walmart customer service]
ME: i want to talk to the manager.
MANAGER: hi sir is there a problem?
ME: no, i just want to talk.
Girl, are you any art project I made as a child? Because you don’t look great and my mom is having difficulty pretending to like you.
911: What’s your emergency?
THE BARISTO IS HAVING A STROKE
911: Barista?
IT’S A GUY. BARISTO
911: No, it’s still-
Nm he’s dead now
*Guy is rushed in on a stretcher*
DR: what happened
EMT: we found him passed out & seizing during a shrek marathon
DR: WE’VE GOT AN OGREDOSE
The moment my toddler figured out how to open a door was a lot like the raptor kitchen scene in Jurassic Park.
[wedding]
The devil has been collecting souls for 200,000 years and still hasn’t found his soulmate, but *raises glass* I’m glad you found yours. Congrats Tina and John.
*orders a medium pizza*
*opens box*
PIZZA: I’ve contacted your late grandmother. She wants you to know-
*eats pizza*
Happy with my life but also open to the possibility of a crow picking me up like a french fry and carrying me away
Whoever said that collectively women are the fair sex obviously didn’t understand the meaning of fair, or women, or maybe even sex…
Impressing a girl who owns cats on our date by eating so fast I throw up
While America is suffering administrative paralysis, we should sneak in and change their spellings to the English ones, and replace the missing ‘u’ in their words.
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
Body: I need water.
Me: Diet Coke?
Body: No, water.
Me: Wine?
Body: NO, WATER!
Me: Coffee it is.
Girl from my high school posted on Facebook that she got a “constellation prize” at a church carnival yesterday. She skipped school a lot.
[At historic site]
Guide: Questions?
Me: What’s the wifi password?
G: I meant about 19th century life.
M: Oh….Dost thou have thy password?
Just found out that “Shake what your mama gave you” is considered extremely offensive to amoeba.
I don’t want to fold that laundry. Maybe I’ll just put this wet load in there with the dry load and no one will notice.
-me, about to break the dryer
“YoU’Re nOt gOiNg tO gEt a jOb WiTh tHoSe tAtToOs”
First of all, bold of you to assume I’m employable without my tattoos