Being an adult is way worse than being a kid. No matter how good I do at work no one ever takes me out for ice cream after
You Might Also Like
Match dot com, but for socks.
it amazes me that people still say they want a “fairy-tale marriage” when most fairy-tale marriages end with the lady getting angry and returning to the sea from whence she came.
There are exactly two (2) kinds of names in DnD
1) Ephena Solancae Diuturna of Theviara II
2) Smork Dirtbag
waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
me: i’d love it
Would you flush a $20 bill down the toilet? Of course not. Yet you’re doing it every time you flush 4 $5 bills down the toilet. I’ll explain
Wanna feel old? Subtract your birth year from the current year.
Me: If you wear a bikini to the zoo is it a zucchini
LeBron: I…is this the right room? The nurse said you were dying
Me: Dying to meet you
My son keeps insisting that this kid at his daycare is stronger than me. It’s one of those silly arguments you get sucked into as a parent before you realize that a simple arm wrestling match with the three year old will prove your superiority beyond a shadow of a doubt.
[my day at work]
9:00am: so much to do, blessed!
9:05am: ok I’m bored
9:06am: *googles am I too goth for work?*
(day 2 of adulthood) well I gave it a shot
I’m not gullible enough to be lured into a cult but I am nosy enough
If I was told to pick one word to describe myself, I’d go with ” doesn’t pay attention to instructions.”
It’s okay, bra. I’m ready to snap any minute now too
I haven’t ironed in 17 years, except for that emergency grilled cheese sandwich I made.
teen: we need to have a serious talk about my curfew
me: did I tell you I started a new diet today
teen: *laughs nervously* actually my curfew is fine, totally fine, fine fine
Hell hath no fury like a 4-year-old presented with a plate of chicken nuggets after they asked for chicken nuggets.
“Change is never easy…”
~McDonalds employees
Surprise sex is by far the best thing to wake up to! …Unless you’re in prison.
walmart in August: here’s some pumpkins
walmart ON halloween day: merry christmas
WHERE’S THE PUMPKINS AT BRO I NEED 3.
Me: But, like, if you could make it look like an accident…
Mall Santa: Uhhh, that’s not how this works. Now please get off my lap ma’am.
*security drags me away*
Me: *yells* Don’t forget to take a picture!
Does it sound ridiculous? Yes. Did I get a sports injury from eating too many tacos? Also yes.
‘Head, shoulders, knees and toes’ used to be a lot more cheery when I wasn’t singing about what hurt on a morning.
well well well if it isn’t my neighbor thinking he can sit on a porch better than me
The people who choose the “healthier option” at McDonald’s get a bad wrap.
In France they call Mr. Bean Monsieur Legume
When life hands you a komodo dragon suddenly the times you got lemons seem pretty cool.
Stop humanising dogs, they’re better than that.
my biggest fear is a kiIler saying some funny shit whiIe im playing dead
Who chose this font
Yesterday I wrote an email to a customer named Trish where I apologized profusely, took ownership of our mistakes, and explained we would do anything to correct the situation. I averted disaster two seconds before I sent it when I saw my typo in the first two words, “Dear Trash,”