“honey, I can’t wait to do missionary later!” *Gets excited* *Wife leaves for third world country-helps many*
You Might Also Like
-How much for the inflatable cat?
-Sir that’s bagpipes.
The eyes are the window to the soul which is why I’m throwing pebbles at your face.
Date: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
Me: *now crying*
Date: there you are
Gnats are the most enthusiastic bugs, always out here performing a flash mob right in front of your face
This guy in my living room must think I’m an idiot, he says he picked my lock but I distinctly remember choosing it at the store by myself.
I’m pretty sure these people at the next table are talking about how paranoid I am.
[job interview]
Look. First, you give me a job. Then I get paid. THEN I’ll be able to buy pants. I can’t just skip ahead to the last step.
Me: *drinks tea*
Villain: haha! I have poisoned your drink!
Me: *starts drinking faster*
My eyesight is just terrible since having kids. I’m always seeing double. It’s a nightmare!
Optometrist: Ma’am you have identical twins…
Why do preachers call them sermons and not Godcasts?
Before asking for my advice, remember that I’ve been stuck upside down in a tree three times this week
You can tell a lot about a person by their avi.
For instance if they use an egg, they’re probably a chicken.
Unfortunately, my fear of moving stairs is escalating.
364 days a year: Kids, don’t take candy or rides from strangers.
1 day a year: Go trick or treat in that rich neighborhood. Take an Über.
Never ‘boop’ a police officer on the nose when he pulls you over for speeding; I know this now.
I’ve been playing the blame game with my wife
I’m losing 1,227,456 to 3
*hears your text message notification beep*
*constantly imitates it so you check your phone for no reason*
Everyone: “You don’t watch Game of Thones?! Watch it immediately.”
After every episode: “That was HORRIBLE.”
Yes autocomplete I did intend to say “icing on the cat.”
“Jesus Christ, Roger… What the hell are you doing with your life?”
[Donald Trump’s election speech]
“America, I have only 1 thing to say”
*pulls off wig & mask revealing Ashton Kutcher*
“YOU’VE BEEN PUNK’D”
ME: So what do you do?
DATE: I’m a chef in the army.
ME: Aah, so you’re in the mealitary.
HER: *already in an Uber
I’m not smiling because I like you, I’m smiling because I’m imagining a piano landing on your head.
“Whatcha doin’, Phil?”
“Some guy on the internet says he’ll pay fifty bucks a pop for beaver shots.”
LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOO
He who understands women, dies under mysterious circumstances…
Woke up super stiff all over and when I tried to look down, my neck had morning woodn’t.
PHILOSOPHY MAJOR: humanity is at risk
STEM MAJOR: because global warming is affecting sea levels
ENGLISH MAJOR: is it affecting or effecting
I told my husband not to get me anything for Valentine’s Day, now we wait…
My neighbor told me coyotes keep eating his outdoor cats so I asked how many cats he has and he said he just goes to the shelter and gets a new cat afterwards so I said it sounds like he’s just feeding shelter cats to coyotes and then his daughter started crying.