There are two types of people in this world: those who finish things
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DATE: I’m a historian, I love the mediaeval era
ME: [trying to impress her] *dies at 28*
one time when i was like 20 one of my best friends said he liked his name because of how unique it was. his name is jason
Me *looking at 50 caskets in church* this is weird
Waldo’s wife *dabbing eyes* it’s what he would’ve wanted
*puts on strapless bra
*takes an extra Prozac
My car is not officially locked until I hear the horn beep 86 times.
#oldknees
I’m not saying that I’d summon Cthulhu to avoid work this morning, but I’m not ready to say that I wouldn’t either
When I win the lottery I’m getting a pool boy, maybe I’ll even get a pool.
I know the weather is cooling down, but deodorant is a four seasons thing.
I took two days of first aid and now I’m really wondering why it takes doctors 4+ years to learn all this!
Me: Mum was I adopted?
Mum: Yes, but they gave you back
[grocery store]
CUTE GIRL {bumps into my cart}: Oh, I’m sorry…that was on accident
ME: Well you know nothing ever happens “on accident”
CUTE GIRL {flirtatiously}: Haha, so are you saying…
ME: Yes, the term is actually “by accident”
THEO VAN GOGH: I can’t believe you lost your other ear in a poker game
VINCENT VAN GOGH: What?
ME: [practising my samurai sword moves in the mirror]
[ever so slightly later]
ME: [dying from massive blood loss]
If crying kids on planes bother you, just have 5 of your own, so that next time you hear one, you’ll be like “Thank God that isn’t mine.”
I keep getting questions about whether or not I’m actually running for president. The answer is yes. And on top of that, I’m holding a knife, so I’m running even faster than all the other candidates.
Is it proper etiquette to place your phone to the left or right of your silverware at the dinner table?
what I’m actually doing when I don’t pick up any calls
Parenting is like I would take a bullet for you but if you leave one more dirty Kleenex lying around I’m going to kill you myself.
My husband let me sleep late and in that time he cleaned the kitchen, installed a new faucet, and took out the trash.
I don’t know what he did wrong, but frankly, I don’t mind if he keeps doing it.
Damn I went from ‘I miss the bird songs’ to ‘all right that’s a lot of chatter for 5 am’ pretty quick
I think it’s weird how President Obama appointed George Clooney Secretary Of Handsome. #DNC
Genie: You can’t have unlimited wishes.
Me: I wish for unlimited genies.
Genie: Son of a
I never learned to swim because I didn’t think it would ever be more than an hour since I last ate
[driver on opposite side of the road puts head lights on]
moth driving: omg
moth wife: Harold no we have a baby
moth baby: FLOOR IT DAD
I’ve licked my tip many times and sometimes it leaves a blue, red and sometimes green mark on my tongue, I mean we’ve all had those multicoloured pens before……
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
“I love you. I’d do anything for you.”
-let me see your phone real quick
“You’re smothering me. I need some space”
Don’t worry, Donald Trump will declare bankruptcy and start a new country.
A zombie jumped out at me, in a haunted house, but he didn’t scare me. He did, however, catch my elbow in his face.