Gnats are the most enthusiastic bugs, always out here performing a flash mob right in front of your face
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[ordering cake over phone]
“and what would you like the cake to say?”
[covers phone to ask wife]
“do we want a talking cake?”
her: is there a venomous snake loose somewhere in our house?
him: [releasing a mongoose into the air ducts] don’t be ridiculous
The 11th commandment was, “Talk shit, get hit” but God totally didn’t have enough room on those stone things, so, like, yeah.
It’s a good thing that our phones only convey sight and sound. No offense, but from most of you I would never want to receive a smelfie!
Aggressively singing “This Is How We Do It” while putting my husband’s clothes in the hamper instead of the floor.
My 6 year old is telling me a story, oh wait, now he’s 9.
Before kids: I’d choose going blind over going deaf.
After kids: Deaf! I wanna be deaf!
ME: [finding hidden compartment] OMG what the heck is this?
WIFE: The washing machine
Whoever first said “No news is good news” never had their cable & Internet go out for two days
Most monkeys don’t like bananas, they’re just being sexy.
Never noticed how many times the doorbell rings on The Golden Girls? Watch it with a dog.
I stopped eating my feelings a few months ago and holy shit do I have a lot of them here now
Don’t hand me the good china. That’s a leap of faith you’ll regret.
When Granpa revealed an exit wound scar from WWII it gave me strength to show him the owie owie bruise I suffered closing a faulty pizza box
The duality of toddlers:
Banana = Best food in the worldBanana with the peel pulled down just a little too far = Worst thing that’s ever happened. Like honestly, how dare you?
HER: Can I give you my new number?
ME: *Eye roll* I REALLY doubt you came up with a number I don’t already know.
[watching Game of Thrones] last week was great, I paid attention to everything!
TV: last week on GoT..
Me: when the hell did that happen?!
A man outside Boots told me that Jesus died for my sins. Thanks for spoiling the end of the Bible. I was only up to the bit with the fish.
Before sending a tweet l always test it on my wife first. If she rolls her eyes and leaves the room, l know it has potential.
Hub: What time is our movie tonight?
Me: 7:30. It’s 2 hours 50 minutes
Hub: WHAT! I CANT STAY UP TILL 10:30
“Back off ladies. He’s mine”
[dog social media]
Post: *picture of a cat falling out of a tree* caption – “woof, woof, woof.”
Dog reading: hahahahahaha. *retwoofs*
a bathrobe is being naked with plausible deniability and pockets.
My kids’ french fries were fried in peanut oil and the way I see it that counts as protein
Read that again implies that I read it a first time, which I most certaintly did not.
[2000 years ago]
jesus: merry christmas
stranger: what?
jesus: just say it back i’m trying to start a thing
me: thanks for the little cup of mountain dew
nurse: what mountain dew
me: it was on the bathroom counter
nurse: omg
me: what
nurse: u drank my mountain dew
My husband is totally okay with period sex so I dress up like Abraham Lincoln.
*At work, pulls 2 dryer sheets out of my uniform pants leg*
Adds magician to resume
impressed by people who start whistling in crowded, universally stressful situations (plane stuck on tarmac, long lines, crowded public transit). When it looked impossible they dug deep and thought, I know just what will get on everybody’s absolute last nerve.
Yeah, if Albert Einstein is so smart then why is he dead?