I call my wife the iNag because she has 32GB of complaints and they’re set on shuffle.
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[learning to ride a motorcycle]
INSTRUCTOR: Again I need to ask whoever it is making the “vroom vroom” sounds with their mouth to knock it off.
the Lord of the Rings is mostly a bunch of really old guys walking around telling some 40 year old Hobbits “yeah this place used to be really cool but it sucks now”
[on a date]
Me: so how bout *seductively takes a bite of an orange* we go to my place
Date: you’re supposed to peel that first
Family bike ride? Sure, that sounds great! Just give me 2-3 hours to pump up all of these bike tires and we’ll be on our way!
Was very hungry when I made a wish to the genie I found in a lamp and I had a Freudian slip and now I’m a chicken magnet
I learned German so I could sound angry about everything.
Shogun is a timeless and powerful reminder that no matter what country we come from, what language we speak, or what we believe in, we must unite against our common foe: the Portuguese
I switched to insurance fraud and saved $235,000
Sheriff *standing over another exsanguinated body* Got anything?
FBI Profiler: The unsub is a male, 600-900 years old; is originally from Europe; shuns religious idols; is sensitive to light and has a taste for human blood.
Dracula *listening*: Holy sheet, dees guy ees good.
Confuse them by retweeting their worst tweet.
This day sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar.
GUY: are u in the 1%
ME: more like the 2%
GUY: well that’s still great
ME: [wondering why this guy’s so in to milk] it’s pretty cool I guess
Parish Council to all moorside residents –
Once again: the nightly screams beyond the high cottages are foxes. They aren’t the result of werewolf activity. Stop spreading this silly idea. This is 2020. You should all know werewolves prefer to strike before their prey screams.
Target had a credit card breach? But only with in-store purchases, not online? More proof you’re better off staying home with no pants on.
I’m inventing a new holiday where you take back one gift you previously gave someone.
That scary part in parenthood when your toddler turns into one of them raptors from Jurassic Park and learns how to open doors
[at a bar]
*creepy dude is hitting on me*
Me: you wanna get outta here?
Him: yeah
Me: cool. I would love it if you left.
THE INVENTOR OF THE INTERNET: what if I told you that you could communicate with idiots from all over the world
If you watch Intervention backwards, it’s about a person partying hard after an awful family reunion.
me before I type out affect or effect
My 8-year-old correctly used the word “aesthetic” in a sentence.
When I asked her where she learned it, she said YouTube.
That site is ruining her life. It’s turning her into an English major.
My son is screaming his head off in his room but there’s no way I’m going in there if his monster reports are true.
How many vintage novelty sweaters does a grown woman need? Apparently just one more
Friend: I hate frozen pizza
Me: I hate frozen pizza too. That’s why I put it in the oven for a bit before I eat it.
Friend:
My teen left her phone at home when she went to school so unfortunately she can’t text me if she needs anything. Fortunately she also can’t text me if she needs anything.
Am I a bad navigator? Well off course
8YR OLD: dad, why do spiders not stick to their own webs?
ME: [remembering I asked the same question when I was smoking pot at a party in college] are…are you high right now?
Welcome to Twitter: yeah none of us can sleep either.
1.25pm: Do you love me more than football?
4.25pm: Yes, of course.
Where are you going?
“Ice fishing”
You know you can just buy ice at the store right?
“No I mean th…”
Or just freeze some water even…