ATTRACTIVE WOMAN: What time is it?
ME: Haha. Yeah definitely
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I hope people think my toddler has a slight English accent bc we’re so cultured and not bc she’s basically been raised by Peppa Pig
sick of our media’s unrealistic portrayal of Boomerangs , which are weak as shit in real life
“No pain, no gain!” I scream at myself while bending over to cut my toenails
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
Annual shout out to my mom, who said she wanted a small filing cabinet for mother’s day when working on her dissertation. My dad got her a microwave. For two weeks she left several manila folders in it and wouldn’t let anyone use it — until my dad procured a filing cabinet.
I’m not waiting until I’m a ghost to tell people ‘get out of my house’ in a creepy voice
MY MOM: [handing me my hulk hands] Good luck on your date tonight.
Horror reviews are my favorite thing because they’ll be like “This book is vile. It gave me mono and siphoned all the gas from my car. It is a literal cursed object and I don’t feel safe around it. Five huge stars.”
I dug a small hole in the Earth.
I did a handstand.
Im wearing the Earth as a hat.
“Daddy, I want to watch Dora.” Sweetie this is Dora. It’s the one where she plays an NBA basketball game against the Brooklyn Nets
Bad idea? Son, I got married in my 20s. Ideas don’t get any worse than that.
Dating someone that actually likes you is wild. Like, what do you mean this person wants me around? And tries to get to know me? And asks what my blood type is? Or if I have both kidneys? Or if I wanna fly out & meet them alone in an abandoned hospital? It’s nice to feel wanted.
i respect snow plows bc their whole job is to take a giant mess and push it to the side for someone else to deal w later
A little birdie told me it’s your birthday and a giraffe told me to rob a bank and I think I took the wrong medication this morning.
colleges: i’m going to put you in so much debt you can’t even breathe
also colleges: *teary voice* what do you mean you won’t donate to our alumni fund
Tire shop owner: Do you know how we could attract more customers?
Employee: [shrugs ] A Big Blowout sale?
Owner: …you’re fired.
me: i let my cat drink the bathtub water while i was in it
priest: once again kind of weird but not a sin
I’ve always wondered if my toddler liked me or my husband better.
But I just heard her say, “Oh shit, Daddy’s home” so at least I know she’s on my side.
This day in history. 1844. Morse sent the first telegraph message WHAT HATH GOD WROUGHT? to Alfred Vail who replied I AM NOT WEARING PANTS.
I highly recommend anything.
– Stoners.
embracing tradition. boyfriend just went to dunkin (hunter) as i sit in bed finding funny tik-toks to show him later (gatherer)
A colleague asked me “what’s wrong?”, and that’s a month of her life she won’t get back!
Judge, “Why are you holding a fire extinguisher?”
Me, “Your Honor, it’s for our protection. The witness won’t stop lying and I am afraid we may need this at any moment.”
Baking powder gets most stains out of carpets and upholstery. Does anybody know how to get baking powder out of carpets and upholstery?
Call me old fashioned but I believe marriage should be between one person who wants to watch tv and another person who wants to watch something different on tv
[my son threatens to run away after I take away his iPad]
“Here $60. It’s all I have. Call if you need more.”
I just don’t understand how moats ever went out of style.
Buy a man a tee and he’ll golf for a day. Buy a manatee and you’ll have trouble housing your new pet
Important question of the day:
Are centaurs technically insects?
They’ve got a sort of segmented body and have six limbs so…
This is probably a controversial take but I think the sanitation worker responsible for garbage collection on Sesame Street should be fired.