I threw old quinoa under my feeder and now the squirrels are walking around in Lululemon pants and requesting coconut water.
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Apparently Red Cross won’t let you donate blood if you bring it in a Coke bottle. That squirrel died for nothing.
Met this chinese guy with the surname Shen. His name’s Eric. As in Eric Shen. Have him for more than 4hours, call a doctor!
[at Doctor’s office]
“When’s the last time you had sex?”
Last night.
“With a male or female?”
Oh…with another person?
I think costco should be the next president of the united states
[United]
This is your captain speaking. Underneath each of your seats is a broadsword. In the words of Highlander, there can be only one.
Can’t stop thinking about really disturbing things today, like what if they had called him Illinois Jones.
This time of year, I get sick of everyone writing an “X” instead of “Christ”. I think it’s time we all put the Christ back in Christ-box 360
Interviewer: “Your résumé says you have a bad memory.”
Me: “I said that?”
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
Thanks, I wrote the tweet. There’s no need to reiterate it back to me with quotation marks.
“Should I do it?”
My dog in the passenger seat looks at me, unsure. She just doesn’t get it, she never will. I merge into the carpool lane
*text to wife 2 hours after she goes away for week long trip*
hey, whats the best way to get grease off my favorite basketball shorts and do we have a fire extinguisher?
love you
ps – does the dishwasher usually smoke? also do I like cucumbers??
Love you, dont worry about me
to people who call it “supper” and not “dinner”: do you also have some crops to tend to? would you like me to go fetch you water from the well past the prairie? are the cold winter months coming? have you hunted for meat recently? is the bread ready? have you smelt the tears of
#wordsofwisdom
If it says, ‘Do not try this at home’ – go and visit a friend.
It’s been six years since my job interview.
I’m beginning to suspect they chose someone else.
I had a sex dream about my wife last night…except her hair was black instead of blonde…and she looked a lot like my hot neighbor Karen.
Any driver who sees this will immediately crash.
My horoscope said I’d come into some money today, I was so excited until I found a five dollar bill in the washing machine.
If I’m ever dangling off a cliff and your hands are full of mikes hard lemonades you better give me one so i can be refreshed on my way down
Why put it in my calendar when I can just wait until someone texts me “Where the hell are you?”
Seventh-Grade Class Scrambling To Piece Together Teacher’s Home Life From Desktop Background Before PowerPoint Opened
Beer doesn’t have many vitamins that’s why you need to drink lots of it
[Pulling brother’s life support plug]
*whispers in ear*
“This is for that time you cheated at Monopoly.”
You are not alone 💚
“WTF?”
“Seriously?”
“How could you?”
“Oh, man!”
“I’m right here.”
-my dog watching me throw food in the trash
Find you a woman that spends her night using lunchable meat to try stealing stray cats from the local gas station
Kid: He is the baddest person in the whole world
Me: Baddest isn’t a word, u can say worst
Kid: What is worst
Me: It means very bad
Kid: How bad
Me:
Kid:
Me: Baddest
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead