My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
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One of the scariest things is when you say something that forces your wife to take off her glasses before she responds.
My favourite school memory?
One time we were talking about different olive oils and the teacher asked what does extra virgin mean and everyone turned to look at me.
My iPhone does NOT rule my life.
Battery – Don’t worry, Siri. I got this.
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
Me: [sneaks off to lay by pool cuz kids are finally playing]
7yo: HERE I AM MOMMY SO YOU DON’T HAFTA BE ALONE
Me: [sigh] Thanks bud.
Dr: What seems to be the problem?
Me: It’s my hearing, Doctor.
Dr: Can you describe the symptoms?
Me: Mmm, well, there’s Homer, Bart….
wife: the turn was back there
me: i know that, k- omg, i almost called you karen. i’ve been on twitter too much
wife: my name is karen
me: ughh this is different, karen
Yes I am sort of famous you may recognize me from being invited to say the pledge of allegiance over the school speakers in third grade
Donald Trump always looks like he’s trying to apply lip gloss in a rear view mirror.
Wife-CAN YOU CLEAN UP?
Me-*Quietly mutters- I don’t work for you!
3-*runs out of room yelling-
DADDY SAYS HE DOESN’T WORK FOR YOU!
My fave part of eating corn dogs is when you get to the bottom and you have to shove the wooden stick in the back of your throat to get that last bit o’ battered glizzy
Being shitty in a relationship is actually doing the world a favor if your partner is a songwriter
Not saying I’m impatient, but I do appreciate a murder in the first chapter.
Unfortunate story layout on Apple News this morning.
The baby spit up on my Xbox so I had to get rid of it…
I’m gonna miss that baby…
Stops eating carbs and loses 25 pounds in 3 months.
Starts eating carbs and gains 25 pounds in 3 days.
Doctor: send me a message on the patient portal if you have any questions?
Me: what happens to our energy after we die?
Doctor: no, not like that
Me: do crabs think fish can fly?
Doctor: not like that either
Me: how many popsicles is too many popsicles?
Doctor: please stop
If she’s your girlfriend why is she leaning over the side of the boat to touch me in a way she will never touch you?
Made my daughter dinner last night and she told me it was really good as long as she took tiny bites and used lots of ketchup
I attended a beautiful wedding today for my 8yo’s toy lizard. If Ronald and Liz can find each other, there’s hope for us all.
Yet again, autocorrect leads me ashtray.
My friend was too embarrassed to tell people she met her husband on Tinder so she started telling people she met him at a family reunion instead because that’s less awkward..
[After Big Jewel Heist]
“We did it! We got away! Everything went to plan”
ME(holding my grappling hook I didn’t get to use): Yea it was ok
*Wife blows me a kiss from across the room*
*I pretend to catch it*
*I walk over to the window and toss it outside*
“Grow up Karen”
Humans are 58% water. Jellyfish are 95% water. Therefore, humans are 61% jellyfish.
[first day as a tsa agent]
me: arms up
guy: [t-pose]
me: [hugs him] you have a great flight
Maybe the Titanic sank because there were too many cats onboard, you don’t know.
if u choke a Smurf what color does it turn
If you’re telling a story to a group and are interrupted and then no one asks you to continue, ruin their party by drowning in the pool.
[in a bar]
Him: Trouble is my middle name.
Me: wow… That’s a stupid middle name. You must hate your parents.Him: *breaks down crying