[on road trip]
Me: I AM NOT turning this car around
Son: *cries*
Me: Nope. No way.[45 min later]
Me: *walks out of house holding Mr. Teddy Bear*
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Dad: I took the tooth and put the money under his pillow
Mom: Do you think he’s getting too old for this?
Dad *getting in car* it is harder since he moved out
Whoever invented the boomerang had trouble letting go.
Everyone rags on Facebook, but where else can you get a weather update, religious counseling, and a peach cobbler recipe all in one site.
Sneezed so hard I think I pulled an ovary
boss: you’re fired
me: [like a movie director] CUT…CUT… ok try again but this time don’t say that
Stuck in traffic? We have the solution for you… Call customer service so all your vulgarities aren’t wasted.
[Time is NOT Real Institute]
BOSS: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME {coyly}: Time is not real
BOSS: Ah, very good. That was a test. You seem like the right guy for the job…. When can you start?
ME: Right away
BOSS: …
ME: Oh shi-
One day we will tell our grandkids how far we had to scroll to get to the recipe.
Mom: why are your eyes dilated
Me: your eyes dilate up to 45% when you look at something you love
Mom: what were you looking at
Me: memes
[father and son riding bikes together]
dad, how’d you get so good?
[doing a wheelie] I’ve had a lot of DUIs
[prison]
PRISONER: what’s for breakfast
GUARD: every meal is bread & water
PRISONER: [is a duck] oh baby
There is far less use of the pogo stick as a mode of transportation than I imagined when I was 10.
A “cup of Joe” has a completely different meaning at the sperm bank
When I first met my husband I knew I’d see him again because I stole his watch.
Captain Crunch is basically an exfoliator for your mouth
There is a mile long line of cars stopped ahead, but go ahead and honk at the guy in front of you. It might help.
I learned about self care from watching my cat.
The shower scene from Psycho, but instead of a knife, Norman Bates is wielding a ferocious Chihuahua
Well your honor, I thought handing her the curling iron while she was showering would get her ready faster.
6yo (to her crying brother): “It’s okay to be sad, sometimes we need to let our feelings out, just let yourself be sad.”
Me: “Oh darling, that’s so lovely, well done. Why is he crying?”
6yo: “I hit him.”#mumlife
I like it when it’s raining, because I can hold my umbrella really low and it makes everyone headless.
put a pic of a girl with perfect abs on my fridge so I’m motivated to suck in my gut every time I pull out the ice cream
Husband: Ok, this isn’t funny anymore! Who keeps changing the channel?
Me: I swear it’s not me.
Dog: *sitting on the remote*
ME: I’ve eaten a lot of spicy food
GF: If u eat too much of it, u lose your sense of taste
ME [watching Adam Sandler] haha he is so funny
Kids today will never know the horror that would come from seeing a payphone start ringing suddenly in the middle of the night.
[morning]
her: did you dream about me?
me: that depends…are you a member of the Backstreet Boys?
her: umm no
me: then no
Post Malone isn’t as good at defending his house from the threat of burglars as his brother Ho is
They should make engagement ring boxes that whisper “Dont do it” when you open them.
Kissing someone mid sentence is only cute in movies. I will press my hand against your face and slowly push it way until I’m done talking.
Some music just moves you. For example this Taylor Swift song playing on the radio makes me wanna drive off a cliff