Hey guys, remember when you could still refer to your knees as right and left instead of good and bad? Good times.
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People stick up those “Baby on Board” signs as if their infant is somehow more precious than my 4-foot travel bong.
Hate the weather? Wait 5 minutes. It’s Ohio.
Where you can experience every season within 24 hours.
My 6yo just stepped on a spider and thought she killed it, but it got up and scurried away. Her response? “Oh. My. God. It’s Spider Jesus.”
Treat her right or Pete Davidson will.
Just text my husband to tell him he left his phone behind & someone is calling him.
And now someone’s texting him.
FRIEND: You’re a farmer? What do you grow?
ME: Tired, mostly.
I get so excited when Facebook tells me there are hot singles in my city who want to meet me. Maybe they want to babysit!
Everyone was sick in my house for a month and finally better and then my daughter coughed so I jumped off the balcony.
For my next magic trick I’ll turn this fifth of tequila into a restraining order.
Whenever someone talks to me, I freak out because I forget people can see me.
Roomba should have a laundry function where it goes around your house picking up clothes off the floors and delivers them to your washing machine.
We are taking care of my friend’s dog for the rest of the month.
She’s been with us about 45 minutes so far. My boyfriend has said “I love you” three times already.
It took at least six months of dating before we said that to each other.
(guy glaring at me because he wants to use the stationary bike) *adds 72 hours to cardio workout*
Sorry. Not sorry
Everyone hates big pharma until they have a headache.
It’s a proud parenting moment seeing your kid throw away their own trash. You may also solve the mystery of the missing silverware.
Did Batman know that Alfred was embezzling billions to finance a 4-person Magic act that was a front for robbing banks?
I’m a kleptomaniac
It’s ok though, I’m taking something for it
I bought a new elliptical so that the treadmill wouldn’t be lonely in the dark basement.
legolas: you have my bow
gimli: and my axe
[everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
me: you may have a SMALL bite
I’ve got a really bad feeling about this bathroom, you guys.
I’m fine with the orcas as long as they don’t move into my neighbourhood
Them: how are you?
Me: fine
Them: you don’t look fine
Me: then stop looking
you’re suing Gatorade because you mixed red and yellow and it didn’t taste like orange?
me: not even a little bit your honor
“Dad I think there’s a monster in my room”
-Seriously? You’re 33 years old. You live in a different state.
“Just put mom on the phone”
I’m like Pooh bear. I just want to eat, hang with my homies, and go around pantsless
“I think therefore I am”
–Yoda pointing at a photo of himself when he was four
The Lion King is my favorite movie about how having a karate wielding monkey can completely change your life.
I’m naturally funny because my life is a joke