Me: NOT THIS TIME
Kids: *already running away with my pants*
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ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
*Gets divorced*
*Deletes ‘actress’ from LinkedIn profile*
I’ve hidden porn everywhere. Not ordinary porn either, all that weird shit.
When I die, my family will talk about me for years to come.
a dog shows up to play basketball. but the rulebook never says dogs can’t play. i get it. thats a normal thing to not see coming. but then that same dog plays football, soccer, baseball. time to codify the good faith bipeds only policy, right?
no! they let his kids be ASTRONAUTS
What’s that Batman movie quote? “You either die a hero, or live long enough to hit the gas instead of the brake and drive your Buick through the front doors of the pharmacy”?
Lost the library card. Been missing over a month.
Went and got a new library card.
Came home, put library card in a safe place and found old library card in the same spot.
Them: What’s your word for the year?
Me: Snacks.
if your boyfriend insists he rolls everywhere because it’s ‘faster than walking’, my friend, you may be dating a gamer.
When a football player points to the sky after a touchdown he’s saying “That one’s for you, international space station”
My husband texted me while I was at the store and asked me to pick up birthday candles for my own birthday, so guess who’s turning 33 instead of 38 this year because birthday candle numbers don’t lie
Forget a alarm clock just give me the smell of bacon and coffee
I am always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank.
Darth Vader: *kazoo noise*
Moff Tarkin: Someone put a kazoo in your face mask again while you were sleeping?
Darth Vader: *sad kazoo noise*
The lady behind me in the drive-thru honked impatiently so i paid for her order. When she pulled up to the 1st window to pay, her expression was priceless. Then I picked up both orders at the 2nd window and drove away
The Olive Garden waiter went for a pack of smokes and never came back, so I really was family
When I tell my kids I’ll do something in a minute, what I’m really saying is, “Please forget.”
8 yr old: Mom, what do you want to be?
Me: Single, living in Bahamas, no kids, maybe operate a little dive shop, driv–
8: I mean for Halloween
Me: Oh, I don’t know I haven’t really thought about it
My TC promised me he likes it rough so, of course, I bought him a plane ticket. On United.
To the twelve people who are always liking my tweets:
Do you want something from the gas station?
If someone tweets in the bathroom they are live streaming.
Boss: And what’s your ideal salary?
Me: Well how much does the position pay?
Boss: That depends on how much you THINK it pays
Me: What if I overestimate how much it pays?
Boss: Then we won’t hire you
Me: What if I underestimate?
Boss: Congrats! You’re our ideal candidate!
I don’t wish mean people any harm but maybe they would be happier if they moved to that nice farm my parents took my dog to when I was 5.
Friend: I’ve been so productive lately! Today I’m gonna organize my closet, color code my bookshelf and bake allllll the bread.
Me: That’s awesome. I’m gonna try to keep my phone from going below 20%.
*sits down in a classy as hell bar*
“barkeep! a bottle of your finest champagne please. I earn…”
*lowers shades*
“$200 every 4 months”
I got a pet hyena because someone has to laugh at my tweets…
gen z: what’s the next generation gonna be called?
scientist: [nervously] ahaha you’re not the last one
gen z: what
scientist: what
A teacher is always just one loud fart away from losing control of a classroom.
There is a button on my microwave that says “super clown” and I do not ever push that button
I always text a girl 5 minutes after our first date ended and say ~ “I haven’t given up on us.”
“Can I be honest with you?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t know me at all do you?”