Got fired from PetSmart for unionizing the hamsters
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Me: you are chewing your food too slow son
Kid: am doing it faster in my imagination
Me: try faster in real too
Kid: it tastes better in my imagination
Wife fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the floor tonight with the cat.
My son hasn’t clocked that his little sister has a birthday almost exactly 9 months after his. He was a complete bellend at his 6th birthday party so me and his mum got rotten that night and ended up making our lives even harder.
What I say: It’s time to get dressed.
What My Kid Hears: It’s time to perform a Christmas Concert in your room.
The amount of people I know who have disliked me because someone told them to is staggering. Like dude, give me a chance… I’ll give you a reason. I promise.
I bet the other causes of death are jealous of the number one cause
Are iPads supposed to be red with two white knobs on the bottom?
If I can’t use finger puppets during my acceptance speech, then you can keep your Oscar.
being a writer on Twitter:
Them: I saw someone who looks just like you!
Someone:
me: i swear officer, i can even say the alphabet backwards
cop: not really relevant to this murder investigation but ok
Don’t get why guys complain about “sleeping on the couch”
I pay good money to sleep on the couch, but I wish the shrink would shut up.
My G.F. has a pair of ‘meatloaf’ panties.
On the front, it says ‘I would do anything for love’
On the back it says ‘but I wont do that.’
Monday is a legitimate excuse for biting someone.
ME: [Consoling my friend, whose dog has been missing for 3 weeks] It’s ok, I’m taking good care of her.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
My neighbors are having a terrible fight in the front yard. I mean hanging Christmas lights. Same.
Gnats are the most enthusiastic bugs, always out here performing a flash mob right in front of your face
gordon ramsay: ok chefs you must prepare an appetizer, soup, a main course, and a dessert you have 30 minutes time starts now
me: *struggling to open a bagged salad*
The toughest part of dating a doctor would be how they’re always 45 mins late for dates because the 7 dates they had before yours went long.
Saw Billy Joel trending and thought they finally found evidence of arson
Whoever invented the boomerang had trouble letting go.
I just stopped by to water my horse.
I WON’T STAND FOR THIS IDIOCY!
*sits*
Ok, proceed.
No, autocorrect, I’m not “pooping” popcorn. Not now anyway. Later, yes, but I don’t plan to text about it.
[gets cut off in traffic]
my friend, you’ve made a very powerless & easily distracted enemy
Missing someone and wanna meet them? Just wear the worst clothes you own and go to the supermarket. They’ll run into you.
Hey girl, Did you fall from heaven? Because it looks like you landed on your face.
I think my nephew finally figured out that there’s no chameleon in this cage & that his Xmas present is a cage.