If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
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The great thing about having a mouse in your house is that I’m sure it’s just the one mouse probably.
A pregnant lady, except it’s me smuggling king sized candy into the movies for 6 kids and saving $278.
It has come to my attention that some of you are eating the bottom half of cupcakes. That is the peel, people. Know your fruit.
My husband’s parenting style is to menacingly say “Yeah!” after everything I say when I reprimand the kids.
[first day in prison]
me: I was told to join the meanest, most violent group in here so I was wondering if you guys had a spot open
guard: what
10: Mom.
Me: What!! It’s late.
10: Beds are basically wireless chargers for humans.
My true love: [gives to me a partridge in a pear tree]
Me: wtf how did you wrap this
I bought a off brand Roomba for black Friday and im already having a Detroit: Become human experience with it.
“stop dont go there”
off brand roomba: “goes there (faster)”
Ways in which I’m like a bus:
– Often late
– Breakdown at the worst possible times
– Demand change from other people
– Weird smells
If you see me at a campground, that’s not me. It’s clearly a case of body snatching.
physically I’m in this realm but spiritually I’m running through halls in a silk robe wondering where to hide my rich dead husband
My Twitter crush is 4,762-timing me!
Me: yeah I have a girlfriend, but she lives in a different country
Friend: what country
Me: um… Iceland
Friend: what’s her name
Me:
Friend:
Me: um… Coldy
Little kids only want to be independent when you’re running late.
Judge: Call your next witness
Prosecutor: The state calls Shakira’s hips
Judge: *whispering to bailiff* You don’t have to swear this one in
Me: Magic 8-Ball, will I ever find true love?
Cantaloupe: Maybe if you lay off the drugs.
*I come home with an empty stroller*
WIFE: OMG, where’s the baby?
ME: …so there was a Dad Joke Battle
WIFE:
ME: I CAN WIN THE BABY BACK
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: thank god, I thought you were going to kill me
Not my fault the petting zoo never specified what I was supposed to pet
‘Pizza toppings. Go.’
-Me, speed dating.
Love is courageous, but so is arm wrestling a bear and you don’t see anyone suggesting that.
If you disagree with someone, just slap them with a fish.
Yes, air conditioning, I’ll marry you. Yes! Yes! A thousand times, yes!
My kid found a Disney movie marathon on tv and I found Captain Morgan in the freezer. Life is about balance.
The way my reading glasses fog up as I drain the spaghetti water into a colander over the sink…is this passion? I feel like this is passion
DATE: so…this is your place?
ME: yea…not fancy but it suits me. *opens flap of bouncy house* oh, also do you mind taking off your shoes
My mother-in-law called me a witch, but my husband was quick to defend me. He said, “Emma wouldn’t go near a broom.”
[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
-Waiter please, I’ll have a Sprite, thank you.
-Sorry we only have Coke.
-OK an eightball then.