B2….
or not B2…
That might be the number.
–Shakespearean Bingo Caller
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My career as a karate instructor was tragically curtailed when parents found out I was wholly unqualified & just enjoyed kicking children.
If a 4-year-old says, “I’m scared there’s a monster living under my bed” Don’t reply, “Oh, that’s where he’s been hiding.”
I know that now.
Real friends send everyone different addresses for your intervention.
And now we wait
Want to feel like a cute puppy? Follow the steps:
1: Grow curly hair
2: Wait for the petting, it’ll come
*pats belly*
Stranger: Awww do you know what it is?
Me: Yes. Nachos.
My youngest just brought me a bagful of her baby teeth and is demanding answers.
HER: i love mythology
ME: *sensing an opportunity* i love your thology too
My boyfriend and I got couples tattoos today!!!!
PLEASE do not tell my husband
waiter: what would you like to order, sir?
me: a naked salad, please.
waiter: …
me: you know, no dressing.
Welcome to your 40’s. Your body now involuntarily makes haunted house sound effects.
Praying Mantis: *attends church, devours husband*
Agnostic Mantis: *stares suspiciously up at the sky, devours husband*
Walmart stopped selling hoverboards due to safety concerns. In case you were curious about those empty shelves between the guns and the ammo
We need a Disney princess who’s a greedy profiteer so we can cheer for the poison apple.
FRIEND: did you hear about the Salvation Army volunteer who is on strike?
ME: doesn’t ring a bell
i took a british guy home and when i woke up all my artifacts were gone
[Spelling bee, to clench victory]
“O,P… (hesitates) A,W,E,S,O,M,E.”
Judges?
(Opossum judges whispering for a bit)
Correct.
My kid: Hey mom, do we stop growing when we get older?
Me: *with a mouthful of mashed potatoes* Not in my experience honey
If you’re gonna have kids you’d better be prepared to make sacrifices. Chickens, goats, the occasional human, whatever the Dark Lord demands
Husband: “Why do you ALWAYS have to be on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
Kids: Stay in school.
It would have been cool to see the discovery of salt. “This food tastes bland. Let’s see if I can improve it by adding some rocks.”
I should have seen this breakup coming…. The nicest thing she ever said to me was,
“Oh wow, that car almost hit you.”
I’m so old I thought “stfu” was a reminder to pack my “shoes, tie, fedora, underpants.”
Yelp review: Dating
You have to brush your hair and leave the house. Most places won’t let you bring your cat.
Would not recommend.
[arriving in hell]
him: so what did you do?
me: *wearing a v neck t-shirt under a v neck pullover* no idea
*gets in the bus*
*Brings out earphones*
*untangles*
*arrives*
you know being royal isn’t a real job cuz 4 people can just stop working and nothing happens. if 4 people stopped working at the mcdonald’s drive thru that shit would go up in flames
*Approaches a guy reading “Catch Me If You Can”*
I love that book. The way he just *clenches fist* catches all those freakin’ cans.
“Mom guess what I’m getting married!!!”
Is he rich?
“I think so. His name is Charles Mansion”