just found out the danish word for jellyfish is literally water man and am cracking up at the idea that while other languages were naming them after medusa or whatever some danish dude was like “nah that’s a water guy”
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[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
if I eat the entire box of girl scout cookies at once then I’ll only hate myself one time instead of each time I eat them do the math sweetie
I have a lot of disdain for anyone in the top 1% who hasn’t become Batman.
My friend got my girls slime for their bday so I’m getting her daughter a harmonica for hers.
selena gomez
There’s never a good place to clip your toenails at the library.
The only time I’ve ever been a priority is when I paid extra for shipping.
Went to the Planetarium to do some stargazing but I didn’t see one celebrity. Rip-off!
By the nervous look on his face I thought my boyfriend had an engagement ring hidden in his hand but it was just a stranger’s bra.
Whew.
Just went to Walgreens & they’re a bunch of liars. Their walls were more of a beige color. I’m suing.
Saw Interstellar over the weekend & was totally glued to my seat. The movie was OK but the getting-glued-to-my-seat thing ruined it for me.
Me- “Sorry I can’t”
Friend- “Why not?”
M- “Working on my book”
F- “Neato! What about?”
M- “It’s a collection of ways to escape obligations”
*grabbing my own shoulders and shaking myself* PLEASE, for the love of god, just tell me what you want
In every teen body-swap film there’s that moment where they look in the mirror & are shocked to see an adult.
That’s my morning routine now.
DAD: *to my brother* Just be yourself.
ME: And me?
DAD: Just be your brother.
[at my comedy central roast after every joke] That’s not true
One time I broke up with a girl so she took my silverware divider and that’s the kind of pettiness I look for in a mate.
Apparently my hub is a 92 yr old trapped in a younger body. He just referred to you guys as my Pinstagram friends.
I just watched an ad for a stain remover in which they cleaned a pool of blood off a sofa and it seemed perfectly normal.
Hey morons, when in doubt, just spell it “theiyr’re.”
WIFE: don’t be weird at the party tonight
ME: am i ever weird?
[dinner party]
CHERYL: how’s the soup taste?
ME: like the blood of my enemies
All pigeons are stool pigeons if you stand under them long enough.
A flock of dads is called a grill.
4: *tells me a loooong rambling story about school*
Me: *asks her ONE follow up question*
4: don’t want to talk about it anymore
Friend: What do you get when you cross a dog with a rose? A Collie flower!
Me: Choose how you want to die.
My therapist: And how are you doing this week?
Me: Oh. I’m good. Great. Things are great. How are you?
I’m a savant in that I can look at any block of cheese, no matter the size, and tell you exactly how many Triscuits you’ll need to eat it all.
Please send thoughts and prayers to my cats, they shall surely never recover from the sound of the popcorn maker
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: weird but ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello soda