If it weren’t for this whole job thingy that pays me money I’d become a professional nap taker.
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Confuse your enemy by leapfrogging them
me: going to see phil this afternoon
wife: isn’t phil in that cult?
me: yeah so
wife: just be careful
me: have a little faith me in ok
*comes home dressed in all purple*
MILLION DOLLAR IDEA: An alarm clock that sounds like a dog’s pre-puke warning grunts.
*loses faith in humanity*
“this is the type of problem that can only be solved by 13 photos of unlikely animal friendships”
Still waiting for a politician to abruptly resign because someone on Twitter with 27 followers told them to.
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesi-tato
😂
MEDIC ALERT BRACELET:
Do not resuscitate. Erase the selfies on my phone or I will Amityville your house.
Yoplait
I plait
We all plait for foreplait.
*Remembering the time I took a picture of myself every day for a year without removing the lens cap*
are you comfortable? perfect, your kid needs something
Ugh warm weather is here, time to
de-Sasquatch-ify my legs.
Men and women CAN be just friends. But only if one of them is ugly.
Okay, which one of you asked if this year could get any worse?
Kevin didn’t know how much longer he could fake laugh at Linda’s dumb jokes, but he did know he didn’t want to be glue.
What do you call a really small strawberry? 🍓
Strawbarely.
#StrawberryDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Coworker: sorry to bother you
Me: you should be
Only 2 more days till the day after tomorrow
My 5-year-old just muttered “Time for plan L.”
I don’t know what plans A through K were, but it sounds like he’s having a worse day than me
How many apples a day does it take to keep everybody else away
A dating app where they just match you up with somebody with an identical credit score is yours
wut hotdog?
these physical therapy memes r ruthless bro
[first day on the job as a drug dealer]
*giggles*
“We don’t have coke, is Pepsi ok?”
*gets stabbed*
The people who choose the “healthier option” at McDonald’s get a bad wrap.
To the person who brought multi-grain chips to the party- you could have just said you didn’t want to come.
A fun game you can play with someone who claims they’re going on a detox diet/cleanse is to ask them to name literally one toxin they’re getting rid of, and why the liver somehow missed it
The U.S. has more prisons than degree-granting colleges. How absurd. To fix that, we should merge some prisons and split up some colleges.
Daddy! Tell me a story..
The Tooth Fairy is really a wicked witch, who takes all your teeth if you sleep with your mouth open.
Good night.
“Ok folks who ordered the macaroni & bees?”
“you mean cheese?”
[waiter struggling to keep bowl covered]
“that does make more sense actually”