The only time my ex will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground.
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To the guy who turned the entire first floor of his house into a giant ball pit – I will find you, and I will marry you
If your going to insult me at least make me Google it
grandpa: what do u call a dog in alaska
me: grandpa, no
grandpa: WHAT DO U CALL A DOG IN ALASKA
me: grandpa please
grandpa: A CHILI DOG
me: grandpa, I-
grandpa: WRITE THAT ON YOUR TWEETER
Not one single dinosaur in Oppenheimer.
I need real life DIY youtube videos. I want to see the guy start to explain then be like “oh shit I forgot this part” or “dammit I got the wrong thing!” And drive to Lowe’s 47 times. Don’t give me that 4 min video Dave. We all know it took you 13 hours.
Why are people still calling my phone I thought we covered this at orientation…
You don’t need to write “imo”. Nobody is confusing your tweets with Nietzsche.
Why is it always big, scary houses that are haunted?
It’s never “oh my god, don’t go into Kevin’s efficiency apartment, there’s a ghost in there!!!”
My 4yo is now doing the “I definitely don’t need to go to the toilet” dance
I’ve consumed so much raw cookie dough the Pillsbury Doughboy made a pass at me.
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
surgeon: how do you keep waking up and saying that
Me: You know what would improve this dreadful place? An open bar
Other people in the waiting room:
toddler *starts taking his clothes off in the middle of the cereal aisle*
wife: Do something
me *starts throwing dollar bills*
wife: Do something else
[ninja warrior]
HOST: First up we have… Oh-
ME: [dislocates shoulder waving to camera]
Sex so kinky your foam mattress has to repress the memory.
I got an online ancestry test done, then fourteen of my relatives were arrested.
Ted Talks how about Ted shut up for once
Women are from Venus, men are wrong.
GIRL: what’s your sign
ME: [silently pointing up to the glowing Arbys logo in the distance]
Just know that if I pretend my hand is a gun and I start playing Russian roulette I’m not really listening anymore.
Jeff Bezos confirms he’s no longer the world’s richest man as Bill Gates has cancelled his Amazon Prime subscription.
Me: I’m living paycheque to paycheque
Society: Maybe you should have gotten an education
Me: I’m a teacher
[date started at 9 pm]
[9:30 pm] Her: I love long awkward silences.
[10:20 pm] Me: Me too.
It’s rude to upstage the bride on her wedding day but that’s exactly what’s going to happen when I burst into flames as I enter the church.
have unfortunately discovered you can ask gpt4 to write you a rupi kaur poem and it does a really good job
ME: Table…table doesn’t look great
JESUS: Through me you will have eternal life
ME: ok cool but you SPECIFICALLY said you were a carpenter
I figured out the best time to go grocery shopping these days is at 3:45 AM, before the Girl Scouts even wake up. Ha, I’ll show them.
The cat puked all over the bath mat so I just tossed it into the trash can. Then I put the bath mat in the washer.
date: probably losing a loved one. what about you, what’s your biggest fear?
me: driving into a wall that someone has painted to look like a tunnel
Barista: name?
Benedict Cumberbatch: Benedict Cumberbatch
Barista [writes “Benedict Cumberbatch”]
Benedict Cumberbatch: holy shit