[first date]
Him: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a meteorologist.
Him: Cool. I love meat.
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One time, a dude messaged me to ask what I was wearing & I had just put in my mouthguard to go to bed… so I said “mouthguard” & he asked for pics. So I sent him a photo of my mouthguard & he blocked me.
Therapist: And how do we respond when our horrible family member says something rude?
Me: You put the Ho in holidays
Therapist: No
I am not lying, autocorrect just tried to change “first” to Furstenberg like wtf when I have ever texted Furstenberg?!?
If Twitter bellies up, I’m getting addresses because we are all pen pals now
“Take me with you,” I whisper, palms pressed to the windowpane, watching the trash truck drive away.
Relatives – Because sometimes you need reminding of your bad genes too
Last night a burglar broke into my house but I quickly popped open a bag of potato chips & hid in all that free space.
Mama? Is this true?!
#FewThingsAreMorePainfulThan
“Sorry, kids, put them back in the car. I guess you can grab the frisbee while you’re there.”
Wife: The zoo called
Me: [wearing hat made out of live lemurs] they say what they want?
Fitness app: how much do you want to lose each week? 0.5 lbs? 1 lb? 2 lbs?
Me: Um, obviously 2
FA: this is how much you can eat.
Me: ok try 1
FA: sure, here is your calorie ration.
Me:
FA:
Me: ok let’s say I wanted to gain 3 lbs.
FA: here you go!
Me: That’s it?
Someone flipped me off so I threw my wallet at him and said “I love you.”
He didn’t even die.
Killing people with kindness is hard.
Forgot to pack tights so I’m wearing yoga pants with my dress and a long sweater. I look like a crazy cat lady.
*adds another woman to the stick figure family decals on this car window*
And now we wait.
When there are only 6 slices of pizza left and it seems kind of silly to wrap them up and put them in the fridge so you go ahead and finish them
If it wasn’t for my mil gifting me tons of bath & body works lotion I wouldn’t be able to survive the zombie apocalypse
Zombie 1: smells like peach blossom wine party
Zombie 2: no brains here
me *sad*
toddler: You know what will make you happy?
me: What?
toddler: Taking me to McDonalds
H: Let’s watch a really scary movie.
Me: Good idea.
[starts playing movie “Parenthood”]
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: The warrant probably
Officer: You have a broken… what
Me: What
Sure, your carpenter could turn water into wine, Father. Now let ME tell you about a plumber who can increase his size by eating mushrooms.
I hate it when strangers question me. I’m with my kid, & this lady goes, ‘He’s cute. Who does he look like?’ I’m like, ‘Your husband’
Excuse me officer, I have diplomatic immunity.
*Shows International House of Pancakes loyalty card*
Last night,my friend changed all my contacts in my phone.I’ve been texted by Batman Donatello,Hermione Granger.I have no idea who they are.
*getting murdered* omg stop you can get in a lot of trouble for this.
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
………GO TO HELL!!
Would u watch a movie about a teenage boy who screams “I wish I was dead,” but God hears “Deb,” so he turns into his 50-yr old neighbor Deb?
Me: I’m not paranoid.
Also me: Why are all my targeted ads from dreams I had last night?
“It’s a girl!” but it’s just my family finding out that our dog is not a boy like we thought for the last two months.
[childbirth]
me: are you ok?
wife: IT’S AGONY!
me: I THOUGHT WE DECIDED ON TIFFANY