Want to feel like a cute puppy? Follow the steps:
1: Grow curly hair
2: Wait for the petting, it’ll come
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❤Missed connection❤
You were the street magician who pointed at me and asked me to shout out the name of a card
I was the guy in the red shirt who panicked and shouted out “PIKACHU” whilst you rolled your eyes
I’m at the “my 7 yr old gave himself a hickey on his arm” part of the parenting journey.
Hashtag blessed.
My wife makes us recycle everything.
*empties condom into sink*
Me to my 6yo: Hey Buddy, whatchya doing?
6yo: None of your business.
Me: You came out of my business.
I’m still writing “Slovakia” on all my Czechs.
(you can unfollow me at anytime)
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re extremely critical
me: so they’re awake, that’s good
Parents:
If you hit one child with one of the others, you can say they were just fighting.You’re welcome…
As a kid I had an imaginary friend, Jerry Lapston. He had a backstory and everything. The funniest thing though was that my little brother wanted a friend too, and in a moment of youthful innocence came up with the best creepy imaginary friend name ever: Uncle Bathingsuit
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
flight attendant: would you like two peanuts
me: please
fa: thimble of soda
me: ok
fa: move your seat back 1/8″
me: oh gosh no, I don’t deserve to travel in this much luxury
GIRLFRIEND: So tell me something I don’t already know about you.
ME: During October I call my Dyson ‘Count Vacula’
HER: I need to see other people.
“May your old acquaintances be forgotten and never brought to mind.”
-Sir Smirnoff
If anyone asks I got this cardigan from a vending machine
M: I’m so glad school started!
12: Can you help me with my math?
M: OMG WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME?!
Don’t you hate it when you’re on your way to join the circus and you accidentally get married and have 3 kids?
My girlfriend told me to treat her like a princess. So i married her off to a random stranger to strengthen the alliance with France.
*throws $100 bill into a wishing well* I wish I was good with money
A cheap way to get Botox face is by walking your dog in zero degree temperature.
saw a garbage truck with the tagline “our business stinks, but it’s picking up!” pretty good imo.
GF: …I’m pregnant
ME: *holding a 10-piece chicken nuggets box that actually has 11 nuggets* I’ve also got some pretty big news
*takes the high road*
*gets altitude sickness*
* heats water for tea in the microwave *
* delights at the reactions from purists *
[first date]
HER: Aww, look at that poor old woman at the table in the corner, sitting all alone.
ME: That’s my mom. She wanted to check you out.
MOM: *shakes head, makes throat-cutting gesture*
ME: Don’t worry. That means she likes you.
Well well well, if it isn’t the “Mom, can I spend the night at my friend’s house after prom” trick.
Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
Gen Z = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like and don’t understand
Perhaps the most promising opening in a textbook ever.
Easter tip: Tell your kids you hid an egg with $50 in it in the backyard but you don’t remember where. Enjoy a quiet day indoors.
When you’re anti-social, knowing you’re not alone is both comforting and disconcerting.
“gravy is not a beverage.” ok well that’s why I was trying to drink it in the bathroom, so you wouldn’t see me