6: are snakes just neck?
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[space station]
me: *winks* let’s get astronaughty
her: seriously?
me: honestly, the only reason i became an astronaut was to say that
Can’t believe people still say “pot” it’s not the 70s anymore we call it “saucepan” now
Perks of being an adult: I can eat 8 cookies, no one can stop me.
Cons of being an adult: I ate 8 cookies, no one stopped me, I feel awful.
I’d remove my mittens to text you back, baby
-Canadians flirting
Writing prompt: You will run out of money entirely in three months and your only skill is writing.
Me: Are you gonna change your name after we get married?
Her: Yes
Me: What do you think of “Jessica Rabbit”?
every tall woman, looking at tall fashion models: okay, but where does she REALLY buy pants?
I will punch you in the face.
OK not really – but I will roll my eyes at you, hard.
Ate too much salad today so I’m going on an Oreos cleanse tomorrow.
14: Wanna play a game?
12: Sure!
14: Do an impression of Mom
12: Oh that’s easy
14: WITHOUT SWEARING
12: Forget it.The end.
Horror Movie Protagonist – *uses dead person’s grimy-blood-covered-severed hand to unlock the fingerprint lock on their phone to call for help*
Me – *can’t get the fingerprint lock on my phone to recognize my recently-washed-clean finger when I forget my password again*
Drugs and alcohol aren’t the answer. Unless the question is why did you shit on the sidewalk last night?
I remember being a kid & excited whenever the doorbell would ring. Now when it rings, I drop to the floor & don’t move like its a bank heist
Who are you to tell me what to do? You’re not my bank account.
Tree:
Tree Doctor: it’s a Tree house
Tree: oh no
Tree Doctor: you have humans
John Lennon: imagine all the people
Me: ew
[Batman villain naming meeting]
Ok, name the guy who asks all the riddles.
“The Riddler?”
GENIUS! OK, how about the woman dressed as a cat?
I just did like 5 crunches while trying to get up from the couch. Is that exercise? Am I… am I exercising?
You’ve heard of Elf on a Shelf but…
Now THIS is a Drinking Problem.
Saw a sign that read “Free Coupons”.
What I want to know is what kind of terrorist would hold coupons captive in the first place?
ME: The plane has wifi? Sweet, I’m going to Skype call that radio psychic.
RADIO PSYCHIC: Go ahead caller, you’re on the air
ME: HOLY SHIT
Boss: Any takeaways from the client meeting?
Me: I got his stapler and two rolls of toilet paper
Someone at this party is wearing the same shirt as me. It’s very awkward. How did this happen. We barely even fit in this shirt.
Thankful that Five-Fingered Shoes company doesn’t make pants.
*Husband using Ouija board after I’ve died*
Please answer me
*arrow moves*
“It’s on the top shelf. Right there. RIGHT THERE! Use your eyes!”
(Jupiter –
People who knock on my front door really need to give up these unrealistic expectations that I’m going to answer
“Snitches get stitches”
Cute little rhyme..
However I believe,
“Snitches never wake up again”
is more likely to deter snitching…
Me: *sneaking to the kitchen for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE