Alexa just started playing Unchained Melody, so I guess things with my ghost are getting pretty serious.
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If we are in a “do not laugh” situation, do not look over at me
It’s important to get out of the house every once and a while to remind yourself of why you don’t go out
Them: hello! we’ve been trying to reach you about your extended warranty
Me: cool – first let me tell you about my podcast!
(Line goes dead)
Don’t tell me who to follow Twitter, I have many years of experience finding and building relationships with dangerous maniacs and I don’t need your amateur assistance.
Of course you can trust me with your secret.
*Calls local news team
Kids are the best get-out-of-everything card. Need to cancel plans? Blame the kids. House messy? Blame the kids. Look like a slob? Blame the kids. Cranky for absolutely no reason whatsoever? Blame the kids.
Unless there’s a picture of you getting attacked by a shark, I don’t want to see your vacation pictures.
A time capsule but it’s just the back of the fridge
Me: “The doctor said to gargle with salt water when you have a sore throat.”
Kid: “Do we even *have* salt water at home?”
Me: “Oh, boy.”
Somebody keeps sending me flowers with all the heads cut off.
I think I’m being stalked…
not to be a complainer but if dogs can have treats to clean their teeth why can’t we
Breaking news:
Captain America is fighting with the Red Skull on Twitter right now. This is too real.
Me: God, I just feel so
Brain: HUNGRY
M: No, I’m very alone. I desperately want
B: FOOD
M: Part of me is missing. All I need is
B: PRINGLES
Tinder: Meet people within a few miles
Twitter: Meet people within a few thousand miles
CANADIAN: im a canadian
DATE: cool i’ve never met a comedian befor
CANADIAN: [is too polite to corect them, dedicates entire life to comedy]
We should probably abolish the death penalty since we don’t even get to throw rotten vegetables at people anymore
Wife: Where’s your dad?
Son: He’s sunbathing in Nepal.
Wife: He’s what?
Son: Himalayan out.
I sleep naked because I want burglars to feel weird.
i hate the assumption that people who get up early are doing it to be productive. i’m up at 6:30 am to watch movies
*takes chip clip off Funyuns bag*
*bites into Funyun, discovers it’s stale*
*throws chip clip across room*
“You had one job”!
My wife: am I beautiful?
Me [hella smooth]: yeah, you look like a little cat
[dinner party]
*host clinks glass* “Everyone we’re having a baby”!
*whispers to other guest* “Oh come on! I told them I was a vegetarian.”
Bury me next to a kangaroo skeleton and put boxing gloves on me.
Friend: “I’m breaking up with my boyfriend. He acts like a savage.”
Me: “Fred or Ben?”
An apple a day keeps no one away unless you have meticulously good aim.
My neighbours probably think I’m getting laid, but these are just the sounds I make whenever I take my socks off.
Some kids pranked a school board meeting on some Bart Simpson shit and I am crying!! 😭😭😭😭
Lance isn’t really that a common name anymore. In the old days, people were called Lance a lot.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *buffing a shark* dolphin