According to this box of spaghetti I am an Italian family of 8
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*Naming my child*
WIFE: What’s the girl version of Matt?
ME:… Mattress?
I’m walking on sunshine, AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH and I’m startin’ to feel
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH THIS IS TERRIBLE
The joy you get as a parent when you buy a big pizza and garlic bread to share, but they don’t like it! 😍😍
[3rd Date]
*To myself* ok, you really like this girl. Just play it cool, detached.
ME: I don’t even care what season we get married in.
WIFE: we’re so close we finish each other’s sentences
ME: .
I hate “save the date” engagement cards. After divorce you should have to send out “hey forget about that one date 6 months ago” cards
her: [during roleplay] come get me
me: [struggling to get up with my ninja turtle shell on] no you get me
me: here’s an idea. a dishwasher that ‘beeps’ when it’s finished
CEO: yeah. like, twenty times
me: lmao two or three times is more than enou-
CEO: TWENTY TIMES
me: but-
CEO: T̶̨̮̲̱̎͐̾͒͑W̴̨̺̭͛͗͆̀E̸̦̾̇͗͝Ṅ̴̦̪̿̇T̸̩̫̐̾͒Y̷̨͇̯̞̌́́͌ ̵̧̜͚͛̕͘T̶̛̞͑̒͑̅Ḯ̵͚̆̕M̵̫̠͉̀Ë̸͔̝̬́̌̈͘S̶̝̘̓̽͒̒͑-
Attempted to have a bath. I am 6’2″. The bathtub most certainly is not. I looked like a praying mantis trying to take a nap in an iPod dock.
Whoa. Wait a minute.
So those stick figures on your car aren’t for pedestrians you ran over?
Damn it!
*starts scraping off her stickers*
Give a man a catfish and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to catfish and he can have Internet boyfriends in 7 different countries.
Having an older dog means ten seconds after you drop a piece of food, you have to drop an even bigger piece of food so they can find it.
Jack: I want to be nimble
Genie: ok
Jack: and also quick
Genie: ok those are the same thin-
Jack: last but not least I want to jump as high as a candle
My daughter now associates height with age and refuses to believe I could be older than someone that’s 5’5”
I’ll bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
Before I die I want to be chased through the back of a Chinese restaurant.
I would watch the Bachelor if everyone who doesn’t get a rose gets thrown into a volcano
To pay a bill, press 1. To awaken ravenous tentacled horrors that slumber in the void between worlds, press 2. To hear your balance press 3.
Airbud being shut down by the oppositions new defender, the vacuum.
If you ever think you can solve a parenting problem by doing the opposite of what didn’t work last time the universe will just be like lol nice try dummy
I have an eating disorder. I’m about to eat dis order of pizza, dis order of fries and dis order of nuggets.
According to WebMD, people are Sick & Tired of me
Dad: Son do u know why we named you Titanic Hitting an Iceberg?
Titanic Hitting an Iceberg: Because I w–
Dad: BECAUSE YOU WERE AN ACCIDENT
I am ‘being spanked and told to nap is punishment’ years old
*winks*
Me: [eating apple & staring out window] It really works.
*roving gang of doctors walk past house*
*feral teacher crashes through window*
ME: *flipping over a saltine like a Tarot card* Oh that’s not good.
My wife says “Don’t walk away when I’m talking to you” when 1. she’s not talking, she’s yelling, and 2. I’m not walking away, I’m retreating
Before you reply to a tweet, take a deep breath.
Now hold it.
Hold it…
Hold it….
Hold it…
Keep holding it…
Die.
If you yell “DIE” when killing a spider, it dies faster.
A pet is a great way for kids to learn about death. For instance, I had a snake and that killed four of my friends.