So deflating when you empty the dishwasher but then immediately fill it back up with all the dishes that were sitting in the sink because the dishwasher was running. Just gonna eat right out of the pan with my hands from now on
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Whatever happened to that little girl from The Ring, did she grow up to be Kristen Stewart?
That tweet was so bad I felt sorry for the alphabet.
On our weekly family Zoom, my stepmom always says how pretty I am.
Today I replied, “I’m more than a pretty face.”
STEPMOM: “Are you sure?”
ME: “I have an elbow. Look.”
SM: “That’s nothing to brag about.”
ME: “It bends and everything.”
SM: “I’ve seen better.”
Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.
But wait…..does your wife know that you’re divorced?
So many Jehovah’s Witnesses and yet still not a shred of Jehovah’s Evidence.
I won a cozy blanket at work today and pissed off a lot of people. It was awesome.
I’m glad Mr Peanut is dead. For years he flaunted his lavish lifestyle while billions of peanuts lived in dirt only to be ground into (admittedly tasty) peanut butter
Oh great. I forgot to pack an apple in my lunch and now there’s doctors EVERYWHERE.
How did Hitler tie his shoes?
In knotsies.
(The unfollow button is only a click away)
Was reminded yesterday that this exists so I’m dusting it off
The Hello Kitty stickers on your woodchipper suggest that you’re whimsically murdery.
good morning to everyone except people who leave themselves enough time to eat breakfast
Winning an argument with a woman is like getting 1st prize in a “who wants to sleep on the couch” contest.
Wish I was alive in the 70’s and got to look forward to releases by Zeppelin, Floyd and Sabbath, instead of being ear-raped by today’s shit.
Most fashion shows these days…
That song stuck in my head is “Don’t Speak,” I’ve no doubt in my mind.
Friend: Hey Karanbir! Long time no see. How’s your brother?
Me: He has moved on to a better place.
Friend: OMG that’s terrible! He was so young!
Me: Oh he didn’t die. He moved to Canada.
The guy at the dispensary sold me on live resin edibles and said “just start with one and see how u feel after 45 mins” but i said to myself hey my tolerance is high i can probably take 3 . it’s been 20 mins and i fear i’ve made a grave mistake.
What I really need is a visit from the ghost of christmas don’t cut your own bangs.
I only do cardio because it’s impossible to stalk someone you can’t keep up with.
Instagram Girl, just relaxing in her sweats: Perfect ponytail, full makeup, hydrating after an intense yoga session.
Me, just relaxing in my sweats: Sweating pretty hard, because I dropped a chocolate chip down my sports bra and I’m trying to fish it out before it melts.
When my wife came home I hid under a blanket and my quick thinking 5yo said to her “That’s not daddy under the blanket. That’s just a big lump.”
WIFE: Do we have any orange juice?
ME: I don’t think so
WIFE: Well do we have any orange juice concentrate?
ME: I AM CONCENTRATING!
I only wear a scarf on really cold days. I should probably wear some other clothes too.
I startled a mom and her kids in the Back To School aisle today at work.
I came around the corner and yelled SUPPLIES!
Phew. Zero percent juice. That was a close call.
No, you can’t have candy for breakfast. Don’t be silly. Now be quiet and let me finish my peppermint mocha frappuccino.
More “kills” on Tinder than any man in the history of online dating, Bradley Cooper is…. American Swiper.
I found the worst tweet ever made. It appeared right after I clicked send