Me: what will you trade me for my Soul
Devil: dude I am NOT buying your KIA
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I am not above nurturing our friendship for years just to get that secret family recipe.
Saw sign in yoga store: Do One Thing A Day That Scares You. So today I start raping coyotes.
Rosetta Stone says they’ll have me speaking another language in a month. Babbel says one week. But this bourbon only takes, like, an hour.
My grandfather tried to warn them about the Titanic. He screamed and shouted about the iceberg and how the ship was going to sink, but all they did was throw him out of the theater.
WARDEN: any last words
ME: come closer
WARDEN: *leans down* yes?
ME: *whispering* never gonna give you up never gonna let you down
The neighbors set off fireworks at 2:45 AM so I decided to leaf blow the entire street in front of their house at 6:00 AM.
My husband doesn’t understand why I don’t just lock the door if I want to go to the bathroom alone, so next time he goes to poop I’m going to bang on the door and scream the whole time.
my eco-conscious gang and i do a drive-by shooting from our Smart Car. the recoil from a single shot flips our car, we are arrested easily.
We’ve been working with 5 and 4 on being polite, asking how people are, etc. 4 apparently took that lesson to heart. We went into the mens room at the zoo, but there was someone in the stall. She leaned down, looked under the stall door, and asked “How are you doing in there?”
How does a mule unlock a door?
With a don-key.
#MuleDay #RubbishJokes
Was placed in charge of the group chat this week and I think I handled it pretty well
Optometrist: better or worse?
Me: oooo worse – I can see your face now
Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
My husband started cooking right after I had cleaned the whole kitchen so he’s basically asking for a divorce.
My kid brother used to have a lazy eye and had to wear an eye patch.
My whole body is lazy so I’m wearing my couch.
Before I proposed to my GF I asked her father but he was already married.
I hired a pizza chef as my new golf coach. One way or another the dude is gonna fix my slice.
Excited for my new sour patch kids diet. I think this is the one
[Jr. Biology class, girls in jumpsuits burst in]
OK, who’s ready for fun? We’re The Photosynthesisters & we’re gonna talk 2 U about PLANTS!
we all know this pain all too well
I can never understand what our accent chair is saying.
For those who don’t know the difference, GRAPHIC NOVELS are COMPLETE stories, where as COMICS are people I try not to date any more.
Paul McCartney wrote ‘Yesterday’
But he also wrote ‘Obla-de-obla-da’ and ‘Ebony and Ivory’
So, don’t worry if some of your tweets are shit
I’ve been singing “it’s the most wonderful time of the year” to my kids in honor of school starting, and wow, are they mad about it.
Busting out of a grave like a zombie but I just have to pee real bad.
If you say “no ifs, ands, or buts”, then get ready for a shitload of “shoulds”, “as well as”, and “howevers”.
A chihuahua is just a barking cat.
“I just ate a vegetarian meal” sounds so much healthier than “I just ate two full sleeves of Oreos.”
i have no electricity today bc of the snowstorm so i was forced to talk to my husband and son they seem nice.