Ate too much salad today so I’m going on an Oreos cleanse tomorrow.
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The only thing I miss about going to the movies is smuggling in an entire 4 course meal
ME: *enters password*
COMPUTER: Weak and insecure
ME: No it’s not
COMPUTER: Sorry, I was talking about you. Yeah, the password’s fine
Jill: Hey, wanna help me get some water?
Jack: Ya, sure, I mean what’s the worst that could happen?
We had 3 kids, I don’t remember their names and they somehow find us even after we move
One time a girl told me to take off her shirt and I was like wow ok it doesn’t really fit me anyway.
Me: my point is, if you remove the potatoes from potato salad you aren’t left with salad
Deli Manager:
Me: so what else are you lying about
Brenda was so embarrassed. She thought the invitation was for a panic in the park. She will be apologizing for the potato salad incident for a long time.
You are what you eat? I’m about to become sandals
A lot of people think it’s embarrassing Elvis died shitting in his bathroom but it would be way more embarrassing if he died shitting in his kitchen
Old people may not know how to use a cell phone, but they sure can drive like they’re on one.
Asked my husband why he put his usually-neat bourbon on the rocks and he said it’s because his New Year’s resolution is to drink more water.
In a coffee shop ask the person next to you to watch your laptop, but don’t leave. Put on netflix and binge spongebob with your new pal.
An alien abduction but it’s just my kid shining a flashlight in my face in the middle of the night asking if I’m awake.
An app to tase restaurant owners who call appetizers “apps”
Imagine us having sex..
Wrong, more lasagna.
[camping]
me: why can’t i find any animals
wife: the wildlife is very conservative here
deer: climate change is a myth
“Go ahead caller”
Why radio DJ’s should never work a suicide hotline…
Me, first day as homicide detective: Just as I suspected…it’s blood.
Pilots just fly straight into them clouds init, they don’t even know what’s in them. Could be bricks
Tomorrow’s goal is to double my water intake by having two sips.
My daughter acts like she’s on the police hostage negotiation team anytime me or her mother goes to the bathroom & shuts the door.
Him: Your beautiful….
Me: My beautiful what? My beautiful WHAT?!!
My blow up doll has started wheezing and she’s loosing weight rapidly. Getting very concerned.
“Dad, is that a bear outside the tent?”
“No.”
“OK.”
“Hold still.”
“What’re you putting on me?”
“Sunscreen.”
“It smells like ketchup.”
“Shhh”
if it smells like bullshit & looks like bullshit, it probably is bullshit. Putting sugar on it doesn’t make it a brownie.
[noir voice-over] I wasn’t a real man. Just three kids stacked on top of each other in a trenchcoat. She knew it, too. She also knew I was the only one who could solve her husband’s murder
I don’t know who needs to hear this*, but vinegar isn’t a condiment
*The British. The British need to hear this
Son: My Jurassic Park game stopped working
Me: So, E reptile dysfunction?
Son:
Me:
Son: Where’s mom?
That Gollum game was never going to be great but damn if this isn’t the funniest “alpha footage vs final release” since maybe the first Watch Dogs
“i think anyone using twitter still is evil” okay what are you gonna do about it. post about me on something called Florpable