We never dreamed that one day we’d sit at work and use our phones to spy on our mailmen with our doorbells.
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i love how when someone asks what your favourite books are your brain does this sparkly little twirl and helpfully deletes every book you’ve ever read from your memory
‘our sage died’ , my wife calls from the garden
‘ok, well, ok’ I say after a desperate mindscroll to be sure we have no children, pets, friends, parents, cousins called Sage
him: I’m gonna kill you
me: oh no
him: with kindness
me: awww
him: kindness is my pet wolf
me: oh no again
My daughter once asked me “If you were a fruit and you had one wish, what would you wish for?”
So far all my ideas have been rejected as not “fruit appropriate”
BUNNIES: I love hopping!
SNAKE WITH BUNNY EARS ON A POGO STICK: Haha yes, but shouldn’t we get home and check on our delicious babies?
my youngest is about to become a teen so that makes me a teen mom, right?
“…so when the plane crashed, we had to do the unthinkable to survive.”
“Eat human corpses?”
[flashback to eating quinoa]
“Y…yes.”
[blind date]
Me: So you can’t see me?
Him: Nope. Not at all.
Me: (stops sucking in gut) This is the best date ever!
No one loses an argument when they’re carrying a chain saw.
Me: *getting off the couch*
I’ll be right back.Dog: I would really feel more comfortable if we went together.
When I turn on the lights all of the dads scatter off of my deck, the fat dads can’t get over the fence
If someone sees you accidentally bite into plastic fruit, commit. don’t show weakness. eat all of it
once again thinking about how i would like a piece of the fbi cake from the silence of the lambs
I’m “by the time I find a gif, the conversation topic has changed” awkward in dm groups.
It’s not a hangover. It’s wine flu.
I’m a dad so I love talking about meat rubs but I’m also a 14yo so I giggle inside when I do.
A nice looking girl waved at me earlier today but there was no way I was swimming out that far to save her.
Interstellar (2014) – A widower utilizes mankind’s greatest technology to get as far away as possible from his kids.
Why do doctor’s offices take your blood pressure AFTER weighing you? Of course it’s going to be high then.
Brains are sexy
Wish everyone had one
Croquettes are not female crocodiles
Never forget.
I have an oven with a ‘stop time’ button. It’s probably meant to be ‘stop timer’ but I don’t touch it, just in case.
[Traffic Stop]
Cop: Sir, please step out of the car
Me: But you said…
Cop: I said 3 minutes tops & you promised not to touch the siren.
just overheard a guy walk into the bathroom and say “showtime” to himself as he sat down on the toilet
*Opening presents
1986: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
2016: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
I’ll be signing copies of my tweets this Friday at Barnes & Noble in Salt Lake City! Just meet me by the bathrooms at 5:30 & bring a pen.