It’s hard to dial for help when you have two Pringles cans jammed on your hands again
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I had to drop off a fecal sample for my cat and the vet gave me a form. The last question was, “Do you want your container back?”
4-year-old: Can I have some water?
Me: Any more water & you could have an accident while sleeping.
4: Ok, then some juice should be fine.
If you don’t cut the cake in pieces and just eat the whole thing, then you only had one piece, right???
It’s mom law if your kid orders something delicious you have to taste it to make sure it’s not poisoned.
Zookeeper: This panda is on the rampage and I only have 1 tranquilizer dart
Me: it’s pandamonium!
Zookeeper: [shoots me right between the eyes]
Wow bro, that pot leaf tattoo on your neck really makes the colors of your Burger King uniform pop.
youtube has completely changed how we handle home repairs. before, if something broke, you had to call a guy and wait for him to fix it. now you can just watch some youtube videos so you’re not bored while he fixes it.
Suit: It says here you’re “dramatic” and “nonsensical”?
Me [forward somersault, grabs resume]: Sorry that’s a typo, it should say “sandpaper pickles”.
Try a craft you’ve never done so you can get mad at a person you’ve never met.
[BOOPS nose]
COP: Sir, I’m gonna need you to touch your finger to the tip of YOUR nose.
don’t talk to me until I’ve had 3 iced coffees & argued with a lady about terriers & threw an iced coffee in her face
Me: If moths like light so much why haven’t they all flown into the Sun?
Boss:does anyone have any work related questions?
Coffee so strong I’m starting to believe I’m The Flash.
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
The night is dark and full of terrors.
My day is long and full of meetings.
Same thing.
The 9 levels of midwestern anger
9. “jesus, mary and, joseph”
8. “Woah woah woah”
7. “Hold your horses”
6. “Jeez Louise”
5. “For Heaven’s sake””
4. “If I had a nickel for every time”
3. “Well, now wait a minute”
2. “For Pete’s sake”
1. “Listen here pal”
Old Macdonald had a really bad scrabble hand……
E – I – E – I – O…..
mariah carrie
Her: I ran across a YouTube video called “Why You Will Marry the Wrong Person.”
Me: Did you watch it?
Her: No, it was 22 minutes long. I figure I’ll just take my chances.
Partner: You had a beer, a glass of wine, a martini and now scotch. Pick one or you’re going to really pay for it tomorrow.
Me: I know. I can’t help it. It’s the alcorithm.
Them: what’s your sign?
Me: exhausted potato
DAD: mommy and I are just having a little fight
KID: are you…gonna get a divorce?
DAD: damn, that thought never occurred to me. That’s a good idea
Shortly before lockdown I sold a cordless vacuum cleaner to someone and didn’t, I repeat didn’t, say to him as I handed it over, well it was just gathering dust.
I now have to live with this missed opportunity.
DMV CLERK: go to the end of the line it’s gonna be a while
WAITER: excellent
[second date]
“April Fools”
*gets up and leaves
Nobody can turn an omelet into scrambled eggs quicker than me.
I still wear a mask because I no longer remember how to control my facial expressions in public.
Sasquatch: *squinting* Nah, I still don’t believe that’s Kate.
[dentist]
receptionist: with copay that will be $15
me: here’s the teeth y’all pulled, just put it under a pillow and it should be taken care of