If you are wondering how many ketchup packets you can put in a Holiday Inn hot tub before people stop going in, the answer is 9.
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get you someone who looks at you the way this cheetah is looking at this antelope and OH SHIT never mind
My friends describe me as “I’m sorry, he’s not usually like this.”
Just explained the Higgs boson to my friend even tho I don’t understand it. He was very convinced. I bet this is how religions get started.
[god creating jellyfish]
how bout an evil bag
I have eaten 16 of this car salesman’s tic-tacs while he was away from his desk. He wasn’t even gone long. I just can’t be unattended around tic-tacs.
Me: I need a vacation by myself.
Me, alone on the beach for 5 minutes with my thoughts: not like that.
Someone suggested that I try Acupuncture. I don’t think adding more pricks will make a difference.
*gets bitten by a radioactive bear
*before developing super powers, gets eaten by radioactive bear
Son: but I don’t like when the house pees on me
Me: OMG JUST GET IN THE SHOWER
I hope in the Top Gun sequel Goose’s ghost visits Maverick and they do pottery together.
Her: Show me your pics
Me: Ok*blackberry restarts*
*waiting*
*gets married*
*have kids*Son: Dad, your phone finished restarting
*dies*
I would like to believe if I ever met any of my idols I would act calm and normal. The problem with this is idk if I’ve ever acted calm or normal.
”My intentions are not pure” I whisper as I put on yoga pants with no intention of doing yoga.
[in class]
Me: hey, can I borrow a pen?
Guy: sure, black or blue?
Me [sweating & swelling up]: you got one for bee stings?
If you love something, let it go. But if you love two things, space them out. For example, let a koala go at least three days before a lion.
“you’re the biggest narcissist i’ve ever encountered!”
why are you making this about you?
Inuits have 50 words for snow. Brits have 50 things named pudding
“Still upset about earlier?”
Yeah
“So you knocked over a few spaghetti boxes at the store. No big deal”
I WAS A WORLD JENGA CHAMPION, SALLY
stephen king’s mind:
what if dog…bad?
what if car…bad?
what if clown…bad?
what if hotel…bad?
“I got expelled”
How?
“I wrote 2+2=41 on the whiteboard”
Ok that’s dumb but-
“So my prof told me to go back up there…”
Oh no
“and rub 1 out”
Couple finalizing divorce and they are fighting over the joint Facebook account bc candy crush is linked to it.
Anyone want to trade jobs?
Shakespeare: shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Me: sure
Shakespeare: okay. summer’s day > you
I would never drink and drive. I did drink and fight a swan once. Would not recommend.
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
The way I ordered pistachio cannolis sounded like a drug deal.
Go downtown, not too far, turn left at the coffee spot, look for a little red sign, it’s not big, maybe a foot, go in and ask for Angelo, tell him Amanda sent you.
Whenever people say “anything is possible”, I think about trying to staple pudding to a tree.
people that brag about not eating processed foods like, okay??? what are you eating when you’re depressed? a carrot? we’re all dying, grow up and eat a hot dog from the street like the rest of us, pathetic
[Forest]
GF: Oh god it’s a bear!Me: *Stuffs socks down front of pants*
GF: What are you doing?
Me: Making myself look big
Bear: Well hi
“Some people call me the space cowboy, some call me the gangster of love. Some people call me Maurice, cause…”
Barista: I’m writing “Mo”.
I hate how commercialized Amazon Prime Day has become.