I’m never hungrier than when someone says they’re paying
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You’re so vain, you probably think me driving by your house 27 times at 2 a.m. wearing all black with binoculars is about you, don’t you.
It’s always the last 10-15 peanut butter cups that you end up regretting.
Kid 1: Why’d u call me Aphrodite?
Me: After the Greek goddess of love
Kid 2: What about me?
Me: Well Alvin, ur named after a famous chipmunk
I like how when we tell our kids that “this little piggy went to market” we pretend it was for apples and cheese.
Trebek: This aromatic drink shares its name with a letter of the English alphabet
Other contestants: *trying to ring in*
Me: [triumphantly] What is pee?
In my opinion it’s the aborted fetus’ fault for not carrying a gun for protection
Me:*typing furiously* I’ve bypassed the firewall and I’m hacking into the mainframe now
Arby’s customer: So is my order placed or not
Me: No
Top 3 questions asked by my parents:
3) How’s the business?
2) Do you have a girlfriend?
1) Why are you stealing from our refrigerator?
Oh, you don’t have sex on the first date? How about on the last date?
I hate when my therapist “makes a note” because I know that means she’s gonna try and circle back … but she wildly underestimates my filibuster skills.
Only shaving the parts of my legs where the holes in my jeans show skin isn’t lazy, it’s efficient
I knocked over a display at the grocery store and managed to get myself in both a pickle and a jam
These doctor forms keep asking how often I fall down…
…it’s like they’ve been tailing me.
HER: I like talking during sex, but I can’t stand it when you narrate the whole thing
ME: As she complains, I begin removing my pants slowly
:office birthday party:
CW: Would you like to sign the card?
Me: Nah, just here for the cake. Karen will understand.
CW: His name is Joe.
There’s nothing quite like a stale, tired format tweet in the wrong hands.
Hands: Hold my beer.
[at dog park]
ME: it’s ok, she’s friendly.
THEM: is, is that a crab?
ME: yep. She’s a purebred. Her name is Clawdrey Hepburn. She’s 2.
*watching a billionaire above me burn 300 gallons of fuel flying to applebees* oh no i didn’t bring my own bag to the store
Bear Grylls: *cuts with knife* These can be edible, but I must avoid the toxic parts.
Taco Bell Manager: You need permission to film in here
Any time I see a couple jogging together, I try to figure out which one of them is unhappy about it.
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
Granny, pay attention and don’t panic. I need you to think hard and tell me how many brownies you ate out of the blue pan.
ME: we need to focus. we’re so close to getting fired.
MY BRAIN:
Him: Should you be eating that much chocolate?
Me: Should you be using that much oxygen?
My aunt unfriended me on Facebook so I can guarantee you that I will bring it up and ruin Thanksgiving this year.
When complaining of a stomach ache, you don’t really need to point to it or pat it gently. People pretty much know where the stomach is.
Me: I have nothing to say
Also me: AND ANOTHER THING
I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now
“Is Pepsi okay?”
– waitress slowly leafing through Pepsi’s disturbing drawings.
Them: Aren’t you afraid someone will rob and clean your whole house out while you’re gone one day?
Me (looking around at the Cheerios and toys all over the floor): Maybe if I leave the door completely open with a thank you note?