Me: I’ll never be like my parents
Also me: If you kids don’t stop fighting, I’ll pull this car over and you can walk home!
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Kid logic: don’t need napkins when I have shirt sleeves, or mom’s pant leg, or the cat mistakenly wanders by.
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
The Pillsbury Doughboy and Little Debbie walk into a bar.
Bartender: I see bread people.
Teachers at the pre-school ask why I’m in a good mood in the morning…
I’m like, “Duh…did you not see me just leave my kids with you?”
Her: so, are you seeing anyone?
Me: nope, it’s just the voices.
Dear 16, Just between you and me, you CAN actually use too much Axe body spray. Love, Exasperated Mom
I was thrilled when this beautiful girl came up and asked me for a date.
Then I realised it was just because I work at a dried fruit stand.
it’s highly problematic to celebrate the 4th of july when there are literally hundreds of other days in july
Cop: You swerved into the other lane…do you know how fast you were driving?
Me: did I look like I was paying attention?
It’s so weird that AI applications keep getting forced on us even though they barely work. It’s like if when potato chips hit the market, every bag was half full of pencil shavings.
People be like “do what makes you happy” and then complain when I’m drunk again
[dressed like Slave Leia]
Them: Haha ready for Halloween?
Me: Halloween?
Job interview:
– Good morning
– Good morning
– Have you got a twitter account?
– Yes
– Ok, thanks for your time. We’ll get back to you
Hot mothers in your area want you to text them to let them know you got home ok.
I’m a PROUD bidet user, but it didn’t occur to me how losing power in 0° weather would affect the water temp. I think I just had what could be called a religious experience with that bidet. Like, I saw things.
Please help my husband and I decide on dinner. We’ve narrowed it down to “It doesn’t matter” and “It’s your turn to choose”.
I only spent $9,842 on bras and panties at the Victoria’s Secret Semi-Annual Sale. Nothing like saving money.
here’s my dating advice. Take your date to go-karts. everyone loves go-karts. I just solved your life. you’re welcome
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
Two sessions in and my therapist absolutely hates the guy who suggested I need therapy. Love that for me.
I’m so sick of tv and movies where the point is there are no likable characters. I don’t need to spend an hour with people I hate, I already have my life.
“Ready for the peep show, sailor?”
Being a little bit crazy is like being a little bit pregnant – you can only hide it for so long.
I don’t think this bowl of Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups on my desk is making me as indispensable to the workplace as I had hoped.
Better names for porcupines:
Needle Beaver
Battlepig
Hurty Squirrel
Flail Monster
Cactus Rat
Capy-scare-uh
Death otter
Revenge Possum
Sorry Windows. The only thing a “strong” password will do is lock me out of my own computer when drunk. 1234 it is.
If you laugh at a kid’s joke that kid will tell the exact same joke at slightly louder volumes 8,000 times in a row.
my co worker is getting married.
She said that she didn’t realize how expensive changing her last name is.
Her and her husband decided if they are going to spend money to have last names changed, they will choose something they both want.
Their new last name will be Nighthawk
*Condom Co*
[ok, don’t let them know ur a frog]
“Any ideas how we can make our condoms more pleasurable for her?”
ME: Ribbit
“Genius”