[having sex]
Her: HARDER!
ME: Divide 110 into two parts so that one will be 150% of the other. What are the 2 numbers?
Her: 44&66 HARDER!
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Dear Girl Scouts,
Your Mints did not make me Thin.
ps. Please send more.
geese are just mad that we refuse to buy insurance from them
Brain: Let’s play a game.
Me: What?
Brain: Remember where you parked before the ice cream melts.
Me: Fuuuuu……
You like bad boys? Not to brag but I’m bad at everything.
-me flirting
Fitbit: Time for a walk
Me: *walks to snack machine
ME: *singing* ’cause we are living in an ethereal world and I am an ethereal girl you know that we are
ST PETER: *pulling trapdoor lever* Nope
[going to the gym for the first time ever] Forgive me trainer for I have sinned, it has been 37 years since I’ve worked out
Cop: i told you this land is off limits
Me: oh i thought you said it was all flimits
Cop: wtf are flimits
Me: idk let’s go look
Cop: ok
Car salesman: It’ll comfortably fit 5 people
Clown: How many uncomfortably?
If children knew how much their parents were winging it, the whole system would topple.
‘My neighbour just told me coyotes kept eating his outdoor cats, so I asked how many cats have you had and he said he just goes to the shelter afterwards to get a new cat. So I said it just sounds like you’re feeding shelter cats to coyotes. And then his daughter started crying’
While the loss of Bruce Wayne’s parents was tragic, I’m grateful it happened decades ago and not in 2023 because he just would’ve become a true crime podcaster.
Apparently everyone on the zoom calls outside my office finds my singing distracting.
Sick of your relatives? Just start coughing, they’ll clear out in no time
My dad gets drunk and sends me this picture at least 3 nights a week
“I had the worst Cruise ever.” – Katie Holmes
announcing “i’m pregnant”
– pretty normal
– congratulations
– are you excited?screaming “there’s something inside of me”
– sounds dangerous
– we still talking about pregnancy?
– are you john hurt’s character from the hit film alien?
Turns out if you speak with an English accent during an interview it’s expected that you’ll continue to speak w/accent after you’re hired
Christian politicians hate science because they think it’s always talking about two Adams bonding
Ian: “He ran out of the restaurant, got in the car and drove off fast.”
Cop: ‘Did you see his plate?”
Ian: “Yeah. He was eating tacos.”
I have never “lit up a room” unless you count arson.
Why is it the the people who drink the most Red Bull are the people who seem to have the least going on?
1st girl @ the moon:
– Houston, we have a problem
– What happened?
– Nothing, doesn’t matter
– Come on
– Nothing..
– Tell me
– U should know
manure salesmen ask ”do you want flies with that?”
[laying in bed]
Wife: I’d rather chew on aluminum foil while listening to Nickelback
Me: …a simple, “I have a headache” would’ve been fine
I’ll be with you every day, always and forever.
Me: you are laundry, stop talking
6:00pm
Me: Hey, Bud. Getting hungry?
4: nope6:15
Me: almost ready for dinner?
4: not yet6:25
Me: Time to wash your hands to eat.
4: But I’m not hungry6:30
Me: are you-
4: I’M STARVINGGG. WHY IS MY FOOD TAKING SO LOOONG? WHEN ARE WE GONNA EEEAT? WHY DON’T YOU LOVE MEEE?
Straight guys on twitter, If you haven’t been hit on by a gay guy on here take a long look at yourself & figure out what’s wrong with you.
Parenting Tip:
Replace the word “nightmare” with “adventure”.
“This common core homework is an adventure for us both!”
“Grandma made us asparagus quiche so we can try an adventure meal!”
“Your endless harmonica practicing will haunt my deepest adventures.”
*walking my 5 year old back from the bathroom
Lady: Your grand daughter is so cute
Me: She’s my…. Thank you