Spice up your marriage by slamming doors sometimes when you’re not even angry.
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It sucks when something bad happens to someone you hate. Nobody will let you gloat. It’s like you can’t even enjoy your own joy.
just baked a deliciously fragrant apple pie. gonna leave it to cool on my windowsill. should be fine
I’m pretty certain the inventor of the ball gag was someone who had just had sex with a loud talker
*brings cake to bed for an after sex treat*
Me: want a piece?
Her: wrong, whole.
When a woman says “WHAT did you just say?” say something different.
Finally found the perfect background for my zoom meetings
[Traffic jam]
CAR 1: Hoonk!
CAR 2: Honk!
CAR 3: Honk, hooonk!
ME: *Holding up my goose* No pressure, Chester, whenever you’re ready.
me: so what, you’re gonna be angry at me for the rest of your life
wife: no, the rest of yours
Life would be so much simpler if you could just smack the stupid out of people instead having to reason with them.
I told my 12yr old she wasn’t allowed to make pancakes without supervision. So I come back and she’s making crepes.
Wife thinks I was present for every conversation she’s had with anyone, ever, and assumes I know what the hell she’s talking about right now
Having kids means you’ll have a lot of interrupted conversa–
*sees hot guy
*wiggles eyebrows
*licks lips
*winks, contact lens falls into coffee, sips coffee, gags on contact lens*mouths* “call me”
(Vegan zombie)
“Mmmm ….. grains”
Me: (singing along with the car radio)
Friend: You know why this artist sings this song?
Me: No, why?
Friend: So you don’t have to.
Spiderman: *shoots web from wrist*
spider: yeah that way’s fine too
You can’t get in trouble for leaving work early if you disable the security cameras and crawl out the air-conditioning duct.
Me: Male Peacocks can’t fly because their tail is too heavy.
Beauty has its cost.Husband: I still don’t understand why your eyeliner costs 45 dollars.
They say the camera adds 10 lbs.
Looks like fast food added the other 40.
Bringing in an edit button would deny us glorious tweets like these
They did not miss in the small print
he told me he likes it rough so i crumbled a nature valley bar in the bed
Deer: *frozen in headlights*
Deer’s mom: I TOLD you to bring a sweater
*first date*
Me: Tell me more about you
Her: *crazy eyes* WELL I HAVEN’T STABBED ANYONE LATELY
Me: *deletes Tinder* Let’s get married!
[slipping waiter a five dollar bill]
can you make sure my green beans and mac n cheese don’t touch on the plate
I’m so sweaty at all times I think it would be biologically accurate to call me amphibious.
An advantage of working at home is enjoying your cat’s company. It would be nice though if she did some typing, light filing, and answered some phone calls
why they call it sex on the beach and not wavy lays