*i maintain solid eye contact with my boss, who is in the process of firing me for eating on the job, as i slowly pull out a chalupa from my coat pocket & begin eating it*
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Pirate union rep: what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
Pirate: More parity!
Pirate union rep: [squawking] what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
“Son do you know how to tell if a pineapple is ripe?”
*throws pineapple against grocery store wall*
“Ah nuts that was a good one.”
The Fast and the Furious is my favourite movie about me running away after dropping a vase in an antiques store
Me: *Eating Swedish Fish*
Alexander Skarsgård: OH NO, MY KOI POND!
healthy as a horse? they literally can’t walk down the street without shitting themselves but sure, ok
which department at your work thinks they know everything but constantly screws things up and why is I.T.
Will Smith: Here come the Men in Brown.
UPS Guy: You can just sign for your delivery?
Called in, “I can either stay home today and learn to play this accordion or bring it in with me. Your call.”
If it comes down to me and a plate of fried food, there will only be one victor. And that victor will be slightly nauseous and have the meat sweats.
Somewhere Keanu Reeves is sad because he keeps following people on social media and getting blocked because nobody believes it’s him.
*as i lovingly cradle my mug of tea & gaze out the window at a beautiful meadow where several deer are prancing & butterflies are fluttering around & chipmunks are doing whatever the hell they do an intrusive thought pops into my head*
i wonder if my car is still in the pool?
#SometimesForFun I update signs at work
*on toxicology phone consult in middle of the night*
doctor: ok thanks for all your help
me: no problem, have a good one
doctor: love you bye
me:
doctor:
me:
doctor: i’m married
Me: Wanna go out on a date sometime?
Her: Sure, I’d love to
Me: Wtf is wrong with you
One of the best examples of someone posing a question that they already know the answer to is the WeightWatchers website asking me if I accept cookies.
Imagine being in a band with Freddie Mercury and thinking “maybe I’ll sing this next one”
[HS reunion]
FRIEND: Heard from Billy Adent? He vanished after grade school. Do you know if he moved?
ME: [flashback to not unfreezing him during freeze tag because he said I smelled like milk] HE BETTER NOT HAVE!
This no more tears shampoo sucks. I’ve been feeding it to my friends kid and he’s still crying.
Must be doing something wrong.
Achievement unlocked – 30th Birthday!
Life Exp +10
Knee HP -10
“Don’t let me keep you”
Translation: Please go.
I wrote a song called “I’m Walking Up a Hill.” Here are the lyrics:
[panting]
[panting]
[panting]
Jesus H. Christ
I am *this* close to adopting a bunch of cats and opening a bed & breakfast called HairBnB.
For a dude who just shot a man in the head, the guy from Bohemian Rhapsody seems quite sanctimonious about getting spit on.
[Running out of gas in the desert]
Me: I guess this is the end. We’ll die of thirst soon.
Co-Worker: This is a Pepsi Truck.
Me: *gazing out over the sand dunes* 3, 4 days tops.
At this point the only way a handsome man’s ever going to chase me through an airport is if I steal his bag off the carousel.
I read this article that said your heartbeat will try to synch up with your music, which makes it sound like if someone’s suffering a cardiac arrest you could just put on some death metal and crank it
A forest fire is the world’s way of adding black trees to the forest community.
“I don’t expect much so I am rarely disappointed”
– People who haven’t met me yet
My husband brought home an all vegetable pizza for dinner so that I could “kickstart” a diet. To be honest, he would have been better off bringing home a girlfriend.