If white guys are day drinking, it’s inevitable that they’re going to start wrestling at some point later that night.
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Every time I see someone getting a mud bath I assume they’re hiding from The Predator.
WOMAN: [disgusted] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [gently placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
Responding to all selfies with “this should work.”
If you think Mayweather vs. McGregor is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just paid $100 to watch it.
Age is just a number until your 10yrs younger husband says “your hair today makes you look like Uncle Jesse’s girlfriend” and you think he meant from Dukes of Hazzard but he meant Full House and needless to say he’s now your ex-husband
Some people should be forced to carry a plant around with them, to replace the oxygen they waste.
Guy knocking on bathroom door after sex:
I think I love you.Me stringing tampons together, making a rope to climb out the window:
Okay….
Why is it called taking a shit and not de-deucing?
My friend said his dog retrieved a ball he threw over a mile away. I don’t know, that seems pretty far fetched.
I mowed the grass before a huge storm, and now my wife gets to hear me say “Good thing I mowed when I did!” all weekend
Amazon only lets you put 51 items in your cart and
A) that’s bullshit
B) I probably shouldn’t know this
Nature show: pythons can grow over 20 feet
Me: they’re gonna need so many shoes
her: i love bad boys
me: [trying to impress] my mom has no idea where i am
Iceland is like a guy who brags he was prom king and captain of the varsity basketball team and yearbook editor and then you find out he was homeschooled.
When is this ball dropping?!? And why am I the only one in Times Square right now?!?
“Draw me like one of your Trash girls”
Just bought a 2013 calender, a rope and a stool. I like to keep the store clerk guessing.
I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video
This is now a ‘I have washed my hands’ emoji 🙌
I once confused a tube of superglue with a tube of lube.
It was horrible.
My model plane kept slipping apart
me: god I need a break from work
God: [creates pandemic]
me: not like that
Drank so much coffee I think I just lost hearing in my right eye.
[Commercial for Disneyland]
Are you sunburnt and broke? Want to?
[cops knock on my door]
“Sir?”
“Nobody’s home.”
“Who said that then?”
“My dog.”
“Jesus Christ, well do u know when Mr Hughes will be back?”
Me, gently telling my kids that I ate the rest of the ice cream: Your dad ate the rest of the ice cream.
Not now ex-boyfriend. Someone favorited 2 of my tweets. I’m a huge deal around there now & you lost your chance. Just kidding. What time?
“Hello, this is Steve, my wife is listening.”
– How I answer every phone call since my wife bought Bluetooth for my car.
You can try to take off my granny panties, but they’ll just grow back stronger.
I leave notes around the house to remind me of things I need to do, like “Pick up milk” or “Pay gas bill” or “Stop wasting your life away”
She likes her men how she likes her coffee: sliding off the roof of her car