This could be us… but you playing
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At my age, a “stiffy” is just my back when I try to crawl out of bed in the morning.
People will smugly use shrove tuesday to say you can have pancakes any day of the year, and then get weird when I respond by holding mistletoe over their head.
Kids are hard to predict; and living in 2021 with two young kids who sing along to “Who Let the Dogs Out” was not what I expected.
Aries: Measure twice, cut once, and don’t leave any fingerprints.
Bookternity leave should be a thing. Like maternity leave but for when you have new books to read
[wife yelling in waterpark]
“BRENT SOMEONE IS STEALING THE CAR”
[top of huge slide] K IM STILL GONNA TAKE THE SLIDE DOWN CUZ IT’ll BE FASTER
Quarantine Day 21: Turns out I don’t hate my coworkers as much as I thought I did.
My left earbud kept shocking me during my last zoom meeting. Can wifi be haunted
I think my life exists only so an angel can show the successful me from an alternate universe of how much worse it could have been!
#alternative
Winters, when your handwriting turns out the same no matter which hand you use.
A lady once dmed and asked if we had internet in Brazil. I think about it a lot
If I got kidnapped I’d just be like, “fine – you worry about dinner now.”
Digital security in Ancient Troy
Why is it called stupidity and not a total eclipse of the smart?
Just went to Cracker Barrel for the first time in my life and my biggest takeaway is that obesity is delicious.
my aunt: why u kids always on them phones cant u have a real conversation
me: *puts down phone* *crosses legs* why did u melt the ice caps
When I die , I want to be thrown out of a plane wearing a Superman costume.
Favorite question to ask a prospective boyfriend for my sister:
Have you ever seen a dead body?
*casually lifts shirt to expose .357*
Apparently Red Cross won’t let you donate blood if you bring it in a Coke bottle. That squirrel died for nothing.
As a kid, I once spent hours hiding wedged behind a dresser refusing to come out unless my mom called me Smurfette- knowing full well she’d never figure out that was the way to find me/ get me out – so yes I’ve always been this way…
Women don’t mind compliments on their shoes from under a bathroom stall, it’s when you ask to try them on that they get all weird about it
*rushing into work*
sorry i’m late. one of my apostles betrayed me last night
We should call them Whether Men, because they don’t know whether or not it’s going to rain, get it? That’s a good one.
If I’m struggling to write new jokes, I find it helps to go on a long walk. Sooner or later I’ll meet someone who hasn’t heard my old jokes.
Thanks for the awesome options, autocorrect
If alcohol kills millions of brain cells, how come it never killed the ones that made me want to drink?
We’re lucky fire rhymes with liar liar; who knows what might have happened to our pants.
It’s so embarrassing when someone gets to second base with me and finds crumbs in my bra.
My 8yo just reasoned that I should clean up the mess from her craft project because I was the one who suggested she do the craft project.
Laziness level: expert.
[Ouija board starts shaking and screeching]
Me: hold on I gotta take this