Inventor of balloons: You know what this party needs? Rubber balls filled with my breath
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Boss: Since it’s a long weekend, you can leave early today.
Me: [left 3 hours ago]
Most bags of sand live a tough life stopping floods. But some, the lucky ones, live a leisurely life tied to the basket of a hot air balloon
My birth announcement for our third baby
Inside of you are two wolves. Inside of me are twenty one insane weasels. We are not the same
iron man: it’s not gonna work
me: trust me [walks up to thanos, takes off my glove and slaps him in the face with it] good sir, i challenge you to a duel
thanos: [starts to take off his gauntlet to return my slap but stops] oooo you almost had me
Me: So, you come here often?
Him: …..we’re in my house.
girl: i love philosophy
me: who is ur favorite philosopher
girl: Hume
me: sorry, whom is ur favorite philosopher
“Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Waldo, Not Waldo”–Where’s Waldo Audiobook
Haggis- the meal you have to stomach twice
Why, woefully unprepared happens to be my middle name
A fun thing to do is comment “that ain’t the girl you were with at the bar the other night” on all my married friends Facebook family photos
The only spanish I know is from the song Feliz Navidad, so these last few days have been my time to shine.
Met a cute guy at the gym we like all the same movies and he loved my shoes. We have a movie date tonight and he’s bringing his boyfriend.
I put the “pro” in inappropriate
[walking away from taco truck]
WIFE: whats wrong
ME: nothing
WIFE: did u think the truck would be one giant taco
ME: *wiping away tears* no
the only thing i know about cooking is you gotta terrorize the meat
When a woman suddenly shuts up, a man can hear the theme from Psycho discreetly playing in the background.
Meg: “I can’t believe my Gen Z parents named me Megalovania. Now I’m too embarrassed to tell people my full name.”
Fred: “You think YOU have it bad??”
Meg: “Oh pipe down, Fivenightsatfreddys…”
“I hate being single,” she lied, lounging in her king-sized bed all to herself
Two hard boiled eggs I left on the table before going to wash hands?
Kids are fun cause they tell you sweet things like mom you should bedazzle that pimple.
I always thought that saying, ‘the more, the merrier’ was referring to alcohol, not people.
Now it doesn’t make any sense at all.
*flashlight under chin*
Me: And then the accountant told her how many more years she had to work until retirement.
*all the adults scream*
me [after tossing your baby a piece of cheese] A dog would have caught it
Faces YOU Make ON The Toilet lol (o_o) (>_<) (0_0) (^_^)
My friend couldn’t pay his water bill…
so I’ve sent him a “Get well soon” card.#WorldWaterDay
<enter password>
me
<password is too short>
meonstilts
<password must have at least one special character>
meandbatmanonstilts
Somebody spotted a coyote in my neighborhood a few days ago. But it’s cool, cause I just started carrying an anvil around everywhere I go.
stop asking if your body is ready for the beach and start asking if the beach is ready for your body
SECURITY GUARD: Sir, you can’t be here.
ME: But I AM here.
SECURITY: I understand that, but you can’t be in this area.
ME: I think I have definitely shown that is not true.