Familiarity with a stranger might mean they’re an old soul you knew in a former life.
But it’s more likely a sociopath.
~Inspirational
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Michael Cera pretending to read the nutritional facts when his dad catches him struggling to open a jar of pickles
Me: *giggling* no, I love you more.
Him: who are you and how did you get inside my house?
her: wow your armpit is really big
me: yeah *tosses another limb onto the pile* I used a bulldozer
The Award for Best Actor goes to my husband for his role in “I’m Not Sleeping. I’m Just Resting My Eyes.”
Just finished my first painting.
Tasted awful.
Animal Control just came into this Dairy Queen looking for a raccoon. I said nothing, and passed another chicken tender to the guy in a mask under my table.
You can’t get in trouble for leaving work early if you disable the security cameras and crawl out the air-conditioning duct.
Pretty sure my refrigerator is having sex with itself from all the noises its making.
everyone defending oatmeal is like, “oh once i add 17 things to it, it tastes so good!”
What’s the best motorcycle for cardio? I’m trying to get into biking for exercise.
“Your call is very important to us. Please stay on the line until your call is no longer important to you.”
Ate a few shrooms & thought I was saving a baby from a building fire but I was really just climbing down from my bunk bed w/ a bag of fritos
I love travelling because I love to check if I have my passport every 3-4 minutes 🥰
REALTOR: This community has a great neighborhood watch
WIFE: [sees me suddenly excited] Don’t you dare
ME: WHO DECIDES WHO GETS TO WEAR IT
College is expensive, BUT your student ID saves $3 at the movies. So really it pays for itself if you go to the theater 30,000 times.
dollar store pregnancy test instructions say to pee on the stick then wait 9 months
If microbiologists are so smart then how did they end up so tiny?
“Sorry, but none of my clothes fit today.” My date nods, and politely avoids looking at my towel and safety pins.
A “Purge” comedy where two pals accidentally kill someone a week before the purge and try to fake the person’s life until the murder would be legal.
I hate it when people humble brag about where they went to college. I have this friend who went to Harvard and she just won’t shut up about it. She’s always been like that, even when we were in college together.
Stopped wearing my dentures to the grocery store. I figure the odds are pretty low that Scarlett Johansson and I will be reaching for the same box of Cheez-Its.
[sees co-worker the next day after failing to kill him on purge night] mondays am i right?
dear diary
today i got to first base
it was a rebel base
i destroyed it
Marriage tip: There is never an appropriate time after a meal your wife cooked to say “This is not what Jesus died for”.
Of course you can be anything you wanna be. That’s how delusions work.
🤣could you imagine
worst things about halloween as an adult:
– things are even scarier than usual
– people knock on your door
– you have less candy afterwards
It’s not a “junk drawer,” it’s a free-spirited drawer without expectations or limits.
Going to the beach the day after watching Jaws hits different.
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
DETECTIVE: Where were you the night of murder?