Even if there’s a murderer behind me, finish chewing before you tell me.
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Dance like no one’s going to press charges.
i failed a piss test at work you guys. Yeah, I made a poop instead! Hahahaha
My kids’ superpower is finding something to fight about after only being awake for 2 minutes.
“You’re only as old as you feel.”
Me, feeling 300 yrs old: Yes, thank you. So inspiring.
Hey kids, for Halloween, let’s go to a spooooky place full of scaaaary, oppressive people & a guy who riiiises from the dead!
Kids: Church?
(Creating Atheists)
God: Make some humans Sciencey
Angel: Will they believe in you?
God: No, but they’ll be so surprised when we meet!
i think all men sincerely believe they could safely land a commercial airliner in an emergency situation with only air traffic control to walk them through it
Cop: this whole crime scene is fishy
Cat Detective: *flashing badge* ok i’ll take it from here
[trying to make friends as an adult]
May I interest you in tolerating me for a moment
Me: So you were stuck in Limbo? What was that like?
Spirit: Not too bad, really. It was better than that time I got stuck in a conga line.
dm room: tell your dad we say happy birthday!
Me: dad, my internet friends say happy birthday
Dad: internet people aren’t real friends
Me: *to dm room* he says thanks
[texting old friend I only hung out with cuz they had a trampoline] do u still got that trampoline
[first day as a soldier]
ME: whoa i almost stepped on a land grenadeSARGE: mine
ME: whoa i almost stepped on your land grenade
She told me my analogies didn’t make any sense.
It seriously made me feel like a biscuit in an elevator.
If you get to travel back in time please tell little kid me I own both a machete and a flamethrower now and leave out the part where they’re for yardwork
Food just tastes better upside-down
1. upside-down cake
2. hamburgers
3. not cereal tho
4. oh no cereal is everywhere
5. why did I do this
Me: Omg, my legs are like jello!
Trainer: You stood up.
Me: Sooo sore!!
Friday, Friday, all gonna die next Friday. Everybody’s gettin’ ready for the world’s end. Gotta make My mind up: Which souls should I take?
righty-tighty and lefty-loosey.
– factory defect men’s underwear
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you” – Translation: I’m not worried because I’m not you
Custom Auto Painting
Food truck owner:
I said I wanted it painted solid white. What’s with the red splotches?Me: You sell spaghetti.
Shit. My neighbor told me her name thirty minutes ago. You guys, what was it?
My neck, my back. My pizza and my snacks.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Cuz saying ‘pulled me under’ sounds weird??
Well if you’re here … then who’s in Loch Ness?
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
Dead sexy!!
Everybody knows cattorneys study four years at a meowniversity and three in claw school
Why I’m starting to hate Twitter…
doctor’s receptionists when you ask them to book you an appointment which is literally their job
your body is a ghost factory that takes one lifetime to produce a ghost