5: let’s play the quiet game.
Me: okay
5: ready..? Start.
Me:
5:
Me:
5: whoever talks first is the loser.
You Might Also Like
Me: Gluten Morgen!
Wife: You made waffles, didn’t you?
Me: *in my breakfast lederhosen* Ja!
My son’s kindergarten teacher wanted to chat with me today because my son told his class that his mom died… and came back to life!
I hate it when people try to use big words when they clearly don’t know their meaning. It makes them sound so gelatinous and isosceles.
Today my toddler is crying because he doesn’t have his stuffed animal. That he put in the fridge. And yelled at me for trying to take it out.
Police Officer: ”Have you been drinking?”
Me: ”Yes!”
Police Officer: ”Step out of the car!”
Me: ”Why? You don’t believe me?”
It’s normal for married couples to fight. The trick is for you and your spouse to find a couple you can easily beat up.
I think a funny idea would be if our telescopes become more and more powerful, but human space travel remains unsolvable, & all the other races in the galaxy encounter the same problem. So we just become a bunch of guys looking into each other’s houses. An intergalactic Next Door
Remembering when I was 5 and in the tub, my mom had to answer the phone, so I leapt out the tub, ran down the street naked to a park and punched a kid who threw a rock at me the day before. His Dad saw what happened and chased me up the street to where my Mom was just losing it
6yo: “Mom, I’m excited that it’s my first eclipse, but I’m sad that it’s your last.” 💀
People who go to the store and buy the single roll of toilet paper must not have an optimistic view of their life expectancy.
guy who invented the wheel: one day everyone’s going to remember my name
this atm and my therapist need to get together and pick a lane
I’m not saying it would kill me to work out, I’m just saying my wife bought me a gym membership and doubled my life insurance…
Started playing with the self-retracting cord on my vacuum to find out how much weight it can pull; long story short, I’m Batman now.
[heist team lowers me into the mainframe]
*I see a bra fastened around the keyboard*
Me, sweating: shit, I’ve never gotten past one of these
Let’s take a moment to be thankful that ponytails don’t wag like dog tails when we’re excited.
I don’t normally like to brag about expensive trips but I just got back from the grocery store, getting gas, and signing my kids up for summer camp.
The part in Temple Of Doom where she reaches in the hole full of bugs, but me reaching into a pot of cold water in the sink to grab a fork.
Want to feel old? This is what the vampires from Buffy the Vampire Slayer look like now.
Always answer a math question in a silly voice because if you’re wrong they’ll think you’re joking and if you’re right they’ll feel dumb.
If I suddenly had the ability to teleport, I’d spend an entire day popping up naked in front of people and asking for John Connor.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
Me: we should name our firstborn son Blake
Her: but he’s been named Jeff for 24 years now
thank god the sign was there
“Vitamin Water”?? Sorry bud, that exists and it’s called SOUP
I bought a lamp made from citrus fruit, but refuse to use it.
I’m trying to avoid the limelight.
Have you tried sticking your head in a bag of rice?
-me, as a therapist
I keep telling my dog that it’s just wind there’s nothing to worry about. He’s not getting it. He just looks at me like bro, if you don’t let me go outside rn and bark at that wind, it’s gonna kill us!
*grabs mic at a funeral* ok now say nice things about me
Why yes, Autocorrect, I AM driving to work in a horse-drawn cabbage.