Is this cat saying Meow or Mao? Cause I’m not keepin some commie cat
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If I don’t post proof of my bubble bath…did it even actually happen.
When walking by the school’s lost and found area dads can’t stop themselves from saying “you wanna go shopping, get a new coat?”
Dreams won’t chase you back, but Canadian geese sure as hell will.
[peeing behind a tree]
bonsai artist: I have restrooms
Me:FitBit™
Dogs:SitBit™
Babies:ShitBit™
Mosquitos:GitBit™
Scabies:NitBit™
Writers:WitBit™
Ballplayers:HitBit™
Stoners:LitBit™
Teens:ZitBit™
[meeting]
DIRECTOR: I want amazing CGI
PRODUCER: Yes!
D: A huge cast
P: Agreed!
D: Realistic family photos
P: We don’t have the budget
Our nephew told us his rap name was Roast Beef, and until my last breath on earth, I’m gonna remind him of this as much as possible.
Woody: lol u guys! u guys. come hear this shit
Buzz:
Woody: say it again
Buzz: [sighs] to infinity and beyond
Mr. Potatohead: lmao “AnD bEyOnD” does he not understand what infinity means
6: What are you making? It smells terrible!
Me: *literally just boiling water*
age 1: goo googa
age 2: im a babada da
age 3: thank god i can finally speak. listen, i’ve been observing u for 3 years now. what are u doing
Can’t believe there was a time someone had to make me take a nap.
leonardo dicaprio would have won 8 oscars by now if he was named after one of the cooler turtles
*wakes up at the crack of Dawn*
*instantly regrets drunk dialing Dawn last night*
If you ever feel dumb, remember sometimes sloths grab their own arms thinking they are tree branches and fall to the ground.
[Cops break down door]
Gang Leader: How did you find us?Cop: One of you left prints all over the scene.
Me: *Licking Cheeto dust off fingers* My bad.
My kids’ school sends home so much artwork I’ve had to buy 8 refrigerators since September.
You know why some people wear socks with sandals?Cos they’ve never been punched in the head for it.If you see an offender,do the right thing
[ first date ]
her: i like a man who plans financially for the future
me: i swallowed $9.13 this morning that i won’t be able to spend until later
Passed a sign that says, “All you can eat, $30/person” but I don’t think I can eat $30 worth of people.
Why is it spelled camouflage and not
That moment when you get introduced to a dog that has your kid’s name.
You can’t give me a mini fan at work and expect me not to spend the whole morning pretending I’m a model doing a photo shoot. It’s science.
Took my car to the mechanic because it was making a terrible noise… Turns out it was just a Pitbull song on the radio.
imagine earning a science degree then having to be a meteorologist who announces the prophecy of a groundhog
Me: algebra is a scam lmao
[years later]
St. Peter: solve this equation if you want to enter heaven
Me: oh no
me: “i have designed the world’s first electric car specifically for owls”
reporter: “owls? is it popular?”
me: “it’s turning heads”
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
Yo. Real shit. Just bcause you went and got your logo printed on some t-shirts, that does NOT mean you have a clothing company. U got shirts
When I practice my saxophone I have to put the cat in the window, so my neighbours know I’m not kicking it around the living room.
7YR OLD: dad, why do feet smell but noses run?
ME: are…are you high right now?