Mini tater tots cause sometimes a full sized tot is just too much
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Russian skater just explained that he is “not a robot,” proving, of course, that he is a robot. #Olympics
No longer performing, members of Dire Straits are now advising other bands.
They are consultants
They are consultants
They are con-sul-tants of swing
Girlfriend: *reading beautiful love poem in German*
Me: STOP YELLING AT ME
Cop: you’re going to prison for forgery
Me *slides him a 37 dollar bill* what about now
If you look up the word “not a virgin” in the dictionary, it’s a picture of me wearing a sick leather jacket.
My son turns 18 today. I bought him a set of luggage for his birthday.
Too forward? Maybe it’s too forward.
A long holiday weekend is great until you realize the kids have a long holiday weekend, too.
“Ok folks who ordered the macaroni & bees?”
“you mean cheese?”
[waiter struggling to keep bowl covered]
“that does make more sense actually”
Every time someone catches me eating cake, I tell them it’s my birthday.
Anyway, Happy 543rd Birthday to me!
Cashier: Want carry-out help?
Me: Please
*Richard Gere appears in Navy uniform & sweeps me into his arms-I’ve forgotten my groceries
My 4YO asked me, “can I take your picture mama cuz you’re so beautiful,” but it was actually because she wanted my phone to look for YouTube videos.
i was carrying a 15′ handrail through menards when i jokingly challenged a lady to a jousting match. later, when i thought i saw her again in the parking lot, i said ‘are you ready to joust!” but it wasn’t the same lady.
-phone call-
Me: I can’t stop eating
Friend: omg me too
M: I eat all the time
F: I’m always eating
M: I’m eating cheese now
F: I love cheese
Me: I want cereal
F: yes!
M: and cake
F: or a donut
M: yup
F:
M:
F:
M: anyway good to catch up
F: so good
M: take care
F: bye
2night’s funniest bit: a fellow comic enters the room &, given a choice between talking w/ me & w/ a homeless man, chooses the homeless man.
Listerine, for when you feel like killing all 10,000 taste buds at once.
Bruce Banner is a genius scientist and he still can’t figure out how to make stretchy clothes?
still bigger than my 1st New York apartment
The worst case scenario, or as I like to call it, the thing guaranteed to happen.
Must. Not. Reply. To. That. Rhetorical. Question, Ahhh.
Ok, the temptation passed. You’re safe.
Dammit, stop summoning me to fight global warming! I’ll believe it when the remaining 3% of scientists believe it! -Republican Capt. Planet
Me: I don’t like ice in my whiskey
Him: that’s neat
Me: yeah, it’s pretty cool
Every Christmas I buy my niece and nephew something that has to be assembled, because watching my pissed off brother struggle to put it together is my Christmas.
This is one of the best videos to ever exist.
Judge: how do u find the defendant
Me: he’s that dude in the orange jumpsuit your honor
My kid just looked at a random speaker and said, “Alexa! Oh wait, that’s not your name,” and then walked away as if nothing happened.
Parenting is wanting to know why the mouthwash is in the freezer but being too tired to ask.
*gets hit by car*
me: it’s ok buddy can happen to anyone*friend says I’ll call you right back and doesn’t*
me: there can be no forgiveness for this
People who live in glass houses probably have a lot of squeegees.
Following Prince Phillip’s passing, Prince Charles inherits the title Duke Of Edinburgh. Basically, it all shifts up one. For instance, I’m now my next door neighbour, Pauline Cathcart.
Has anyone tried cutting the pandemic with a knife to make sure it isn’t actually an illusion cake?