I’ve never applied makeup while driving, but I have eaten an entire rotisserie chicken.
You Might Also Like
I’m like …if parking too far away from the curb was a person.
broke: live-action auditions where you have to do shit like “memorize sides” and “look like an actual person”
woke: voiceover auditions where you get to do shit like “never have to leave your home” and “record in the nude”
So many cheeses would work as baby names:
Brie
Asiago
Monterrey Jack
Goat
[cop sniffing me] you’re all over the road get out of the vehicle
[me after putting on too much hand cream] I’ll try
I wish I had the confidence of someone publicly donning a cloak
Yankee Doodle went to town riding on a pony; he stuck a feather in his hat, and called it macaroni… That folks, is what drugs do to you.
I’m just saying, the ratio of people who say they “make their own sauce” doesn’t correlate with the amount of sauce available in stores
At first I felt loved when the wife called me a trophy until I saw her google taxidermist
I just released a new fragrance, and the people on this elevator are not happy about it.
[presidents 2km race – finish line]
OBAMA (checks stopwatch): just under 10 mins, did I beat the record?
CLINTON: no, Bush did 9:11
I would pay extra for a grocery store app that alerts me to the checkout line filled with people who apparently have never gone through a grocery store checkout line before in their life.
I marked today on my calendar as “new client consultations” which was code for me having a day off because who wants a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving?!
Five. It appears 5 people want a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving.
i’m getting my wisdom teeth taken out on monday. i know most people get this procedure done when they’re like 16 but i think the move is waiting to do it when you’re 25 and depressed cause then you can appreciate the drugs a lot more
On my flight today I woke up from a nap & an attendant was walking down the aisle holding a pug, saying “we found this pug. Whose pug is this??” And for 3 hours we all just took turns holding the mystery pug until a verrrry stoned man in the last row woke up & was like “Roscoe?!”
Let’s name our sandwich shop after smelly trains.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of relaxing during weeknights we can go to seven practices and relearn algebra.
I think Jesus came up with that whole virgin birth story. No one wants to picture their parents doing it.
I keep banana skins within reach at work because you never know when you’re going to need to make a murder look like an accident.
Police: How are you feeling?
Me: I’m fine.
*polygraph explodes*
[after first date]
Him: I had a great time, I’d love to see you again
Her: Yes, we should do this again sometime but with other people
Welcome to adulthood. Your body now crackles like a carnival glow stick when you get up.
The 70’s were tough. My dad would kick my ass if I died from a peanut allergy.
Once I was napping & 5yo daughter
dropped her Barbie Car on my face,
she explained it tho, she said
“sorry dad, I thought you were asleep”.
[funeral]
Wife: he looks so peaceful
Me: yeah I gave the priest an edible
“You’re tattoos will look bad when you’re older”
So will the rest of me, what’s your point?
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: I’ve got 21K followers on Twitter.
Doctor: A simple “No” would have been sufficient.
Thursday thoughts from my late father…
“Whadya mean you can’t change a tire. What do you think I sent you to college for?”
They say a woman deserves a man that looks at her every day like it’s the first time he’s seen her. It’s wrong to promote Alzheimer’s.
The aliens among us mentally scream at having to continue this charade.
my little sister is staying home for her first semester of college so i’m gonna puke in her shower and set off the fire alarm at 3am so she can get the true freshman year dorm experience