If you walk through the store with a dried boogie on your nose people end conversations quicker
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DRIVING CLASS: 10 and 2
REAL LIFE: 7 and french fries
Satan: I’m gonna torture you for eternity
Me: I’m gonna call your dad and tell him how high you have the heat turned up in here
Satan: wait no
Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.
i don’t feel like cooking, but i’m too exhausted to say thank you 53 times at a restaurant.
He asked me to use smaller words, so I pat him on the head as I said “bye-bye”.
Babies really be acting like they’re the victim of a terrible crime when really you’re just trying to put warm PJs on them so they’ll sleep comfortably.
There is no such thing as an antique car. An antique car is a horse.
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.
*date*
GIRL: I love hot tubs. Do you love hot tubs?
LOBSTER: That’s like the third time you’ve asked me that.
What’s Biden’s plan to make bloggers post the recipe at the beginning of the post instead of at the end
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
Parents be like “why aren’t you eating, don’t you like my food?” and after you eat a ton, they’ll say “you look a little chubby, maybe you should eat less.”
I like dating chicks with kids, because snacks
[Ice Cream Truck]
John Cena: I’ll take an Icee, please.
Ice Cream Truck Driver: Icee? You?
Cena: *grabs driver’s shirt* No, you can’t.
Establish dominance at your in-laws by continuing to eat that piece of fruit even though you didn’t know it was plastic.
What you want every COVID-19 email to be like: Don’t worry! If you’re having trouble paying right now, we understand.
What every COVID-19 email is actually like: Don’t worry! There will always be someone at our call center to take your timely monthly payments.
Washing machine doesn’t give a shit
*waits for you to fall asleep*
*rolls out from under your bed*
*moisturizes your knees and elbows*
I freeze leftovers because I don’t want to throw away food now, I want to throw it away in 8 months.
Oh, your pet loves you more than anyone else? No shit, if you controlled when I ate I’d be obsessed with you too.
This older woman on this flight next to me just pulled out her knitting so I pulled out my knitting and started talking to her about it and she could not have been less interested. She’s now wearing earplugs. Not even headphones to listen to music. Earplugs.
Son, we don’t play Hungry Hungry Hippos for “fun.” We play it to learn how friends turn on each other in moments of desperation and scarcity
Doctor: what seems to be the problem?
Me: I need to be docted
Doctor: you came to the right place. I’m a doctor. I doct people
I feel closer to people when I am cleaning because dust is composed mostly of human skin.
When one door closes another one opens. I should really get this cabinet fixed.
The worst part about having PMS in the winter is the ground is too frozen to bury the bodies.
“If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my Sven.” -Kristoff
[1868]
*forgets cup of coffee on top of horse*
Kevin Spacey ordering a takeaway coffee from Starbucks and receiving the cup with ‘Kevin E’ written on the side.
[baby born with silver spoon in mouth]
Doctor: What the hell?