2019: silently mouths “I love you” to husband across the room.
2021: silently mouths “I’m sorry. Are you in a work Zoom meeting right now? Don’t forget the kids have soccer at 6. For dinner let’s do tacos. Is that your annoying coworker talking right now? He’s the worst…”
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Hot chick in glasses: *giggle* look at me I’m a nerd!
Me in glasses: *giggle* look at me I have an astigmatism!
When someone starts making fun of my air guitar skills I just whip out my finger pistols and it usually shuts them right up.
After Michael Jordan joined a religious order, he was known as Air Friar.
I bet my church never imagined it was even possible to twerk to Amazing Grace.
Welcome to parenthood. You’re about to spend an irrational amount of time convincing a sleepy person to go to sleep
6yo:You can’t eat chips before dinner!
Me:YOU can’t. I’m a grown man. I do what I want.
*Wife walks in*: What’s that?
Me:WHAT? NOTHING. Huh?
I love raccoons. Part cat. Part dog. Part rodent. Part bear. Little people hands. What’s not to like?
Everything is a big deal to kids, like the time a giant bird took my dad from the beach and dropped him way out in the water.
Me: I hate when corporate Twitter accounts pretend to be people
Amazon Prime: I was just saying this to my kids
Can you people that don’t use your own picture for an avi stop flirting for crying out loud a lighthouse hit on me this morning!
Told my 9 year old school is cancelled for at least 4 weeks due to coronavirus and he asked why scientists don’t just develop “nanorobots to go in our blood and eat the virus.” So if you lazy scientists could hurry it up he’d appreciate it thnx
My grandfather tried to warn them about the Titanic. He screamed and shouted about the iceberg and how the ship was going to sink, but all they did was throw him out of the theater.
That’s me at the corner, that’s me at the stoplight choosing no collision
-Michael Stipe selling auto insurance
ALADDIN: i can show you the world
JASMINE: wat why. do u kno that there are people out there. why do u think we live ina palace. no thank u
5 easy ways to make money as a writer:
• Sell your blood
• Return cans and bottles
• Shoplift and re-sell items from a cart
• Learn to play guitar and busk
• Pawn your laptop
me, doing piggyback rides with daughter: isn’t this fun?
her: *out of breath* dad ur like super heavy
[interview]
So your resume says you used to be in the theater
yes that is correct
What made you leave it?
well, the movie ended so
Me: Wake up
5-year-old:
Me: We’re late
5:
Me: The house is on fire
5:
Me: Your sister touched your stuff
5: *barrel rolls out of bed*
[interrupts Pink Floyd]
“Actually, it’s AN education”
After a failed college project to fight hunger, Clark decided to focus on fighting crime and thereby dropping a p from Supperman.
I missed one episode of the news and now I have no clue wtf is happening.
If you upload these, I hope you enjoy hell.
My town had a really bad storm 2 days ago& my neighbor lost the roof of his house& the poor guy doesn’t have insurance. I’ve decided to start a gofundme to raise $ so I can go to Hawaii for a few weeks cuz he’s about to start doing construction& I hate being around all that noise
If you go to Hell for laughing during prayer, my family will burn for eternity.
sorry I cut you off mid-sentence so I could sprint after an ice cream truck
One day I’m gonna plug my guitar into this elevator and just see what happens
People who race to pull out in front of me and then go below the speed limit, explain yourselves.
Me: I’m going to start packing lunch to save money.
Also me: *eats entire lunch in traffic and orders takeout at noon*
I’m for traditional marriage, mostly because I want to know how many goats I’m worth.
“There’s no eye in Teams” I exclaim turning off my laptop camera