Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: *trying to impress* I love those guys, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
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Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year.
Most of the time.
Once in a while.
Never mind, I’ll buy my own stuff.
Me: do you like piña coladas?
Date: yes
Me: *marking chart*
Human Robot
——————————
|Me: and getting caught in the rain?
Date: not really
Me: *eyes narrow*
*eats half a banana then stubs the bit that’s left in an ashtray*
I microwave ramen noodles right before I go to bed so that they’re finally cool enough to eat when I wake up in the morning.
I’m no fan of watching a train wreck, unless that train is pulling boxcars full of delicious delicious Raisin Bran®️
Trying to binge watch a show when you’re a parent takes about 20 years, apparently.
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a pickup artist.
Her: Pig! [leaves]
Him: *sighs* [puts away prints of exquisitely painted Ford F-150s]
Torn right now about whether I want to learn Mastodon or just start guessing everyone’s email address.
Spent morning at the farmers market carefully selecting fruits and vegetables to throw away next Saturday.
[in the bedroom]
Her: *seductively reaches towards my hair*
Me: Babe…don’t touch the bandana
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy who sprayed air freshener into my restroom stall…
Every year on Valentine’s Day, I put a smile on my wife’s face
by taking down the Christmas tree.
[during sex]
Can I call my mom? She said this would never happen. Wait-will you call her? Tell her this is happening! She’ll believe you.
[mysterious British man rescues me]
Me: How?
Him: Bond [introducing himself as we leave prison], bail bond.
I can cook, clean, do my own laundry and grogery shop. I think I only need a woman for one thing.
To let me know when I am wrong.
my biggest fear is waking up and being in the renaissance era or something. imagine having the knowledge of hotdogs but lacking the tools to make them
Didn’t think my children listened at all but my 3yo shouted from the back seat, “these people don’t know how to drive!” so now I know he listens to his Dad.
“hey dad, when did they outlaw hyperboles?”
“hmm i dont know son, like a bajillion million years ago? idiot”
*cops bust down door*
Fiction has to make sense.
Having to walk all the way to a person’s house & talk to them face to face really cut down on pointless small talk though.
I rank my kids by how many chores they do and how much they complain.
My favorite child is the Roomba.
I think something went wrong here?!🤔
If I got kidnapped I’d continuously sing Pitbull songs until they kill me, I’d die but at least they’d suffer too.
Demon: This is Hell’s library
-Seems…nice? Just looks like a library.
OPEN ONE!
-Ok *opens* This is in Comic Sans!
*cackles* They all are!
HER: so what do you do?
ME: i’m a mathemagician
HER: you mean a mathematician?
ME: [divides by zero] no
°waldo at the gym° can’t none of y’all spot me
My favorite part of meal prepping all of my lunches for the week on Sunday is that then I have an easy way to eat all five of those lunches before noon on Monday.
Last minute Christmas shopping at Costco in the 10 TVs or less line.
New children’s book I’m working on: “Nobody poops but you, you disgusting little freak”.