It’s so annoying when you’re trying to poison someone but they’re just not thirsty đ
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quick while the government is shut down let’s all switch to metric
A restaurant called Grandmaâs House where the wait staff greets you by saying you hardly call anymore and no matter how full you are they always make you eat more than you want
If only I had the stomach of the person I am when I lie down.
Did you know there are people who go away for 3 days and only pack 3 daysâ worth of clothing?
4: Mommy, I need a snack
Me: Perfect timing! I was just going to make you a hot dog for dinner!
4: No. I donât want dinner. I want a snackkkkk.
Me: How about a hot dog as a snack?
4:âŚ. YESSSS
At Dairy Queen:
Me: Medium Heath Blizzard please.
DQ: You wanna spoon?
Me: Sure, when do you get off?
They say that exercise may help you live longer. Guess the grim reaper doesn’t want to make that much of an effort to catch up with you when you’re walking.
The coins in my cup holder have bonded together and will be the problem of whomever owns my vehicle next.
[doctor’s]
INVISIBLE MAN: Am I cured doc?
DR: Your tests are all clear
IM: Is that good?
DR: [talking to wrong empty chair] I’m not sure
I’m not a cyber-bully but I did change my WiFi network name to “I CAN SEE WHAT YOU ARE GOOGLING STEVE”. Sleep well neighbor. Sleep well.
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
I donât always sit on a throne of lies, but when I do itâs while searching the cupboards with my child for a snack I know I ate.
me: son, you’re adopted
son: WHAT
me: no no it’s a good thing, it means we actually wanted you
daughter: WHAT
Kids should come with a âskip introâ button for their stories
I am fed up with all these incest jokes about us Kentuckians. It’s offensive to me as well as Uncle Dad.
I canât stop fantasizing about gently, lovingly braiding a squid
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
If youâre wondering if toddlers are always listening, even though theyâre never listening, 2Bâs teacher stopped me today to let me know that instead of âthank youâ sheâs been saying âthanks, babeâ for days.
Hey doofus, the fashion police called.
Your father died last night on duty.
He wanted you to have this.
“Slim fitting houndstooth peacoat*
HER: *spitting out food* This is GROSS! What did you put in this?
ME: Old Spice. Just like you said to.
HER: I said ALL spice, you idiot!
When the DJ puts Thriller on at the wedding
I think something went wrong here?!đ¤
GHOSTBUSTER: so wait, you called us because your neighbor painted his fence purple?
ME: it’s strange, weird, and it doesn’t look goodâyour lyrics couldn’t be more clear about this
My obsession with building townhouses is going to give me a complex one of these days.
why do boys change into their football tops to just sit in front of the telly to watch the game ahahah a donât stick a pair a fangs on when am watching the vampire diaries
The next time my middle schooler refuses to acknowledge me in public, I’m giving him a big hug and asking him when his last bowel movement was.
Shit. My neighbor told me her name thirty minutes ago. You guys, what was it?
This pandemic has prompted a lot of questions like, âWho is at the most riskâ and âIs it airborneâ and âHas my wife always chewed that loudly?â
i got my shoelace completely entangled around the pedal of a stationary bike at the gym and had to ask a stranger to untangle me, which took a good solid 7 minutes. but sure put me down as your emergency contact